Mat's Money Makers

Matrim’s Money Makers: Thursday night bonus

To set the stage

The Game:

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-1, 0-0 Away) vs. Carolina Panthers (0-1, 0-1 Home)

Date: Thursday, Sept. 12, 2019

Time: 8:20 p.m. EST

Venue: Bank of America Stadium – Charlotte, NC

The Bet:

Spread: TB: +7 (-120) | CAR: -7 (+100)

My Guaranteed Winner:

CAR: -7 (+100)

I am off to a hottttt start this football season. After last week’s incredible prediction that was thwarted by a man who can’t even chug a beer in what is widely being considered the biggest fluke in gambling history, I am back on the horse. I was not stagnant during the weekend, I won a gimmie pick on the Patriots game. Of course I did no write up for it because I never share my true winners with anyone. I am starting to consider the fact that I might be cursing these teams.

That being said, HAMMER the Panthers. They looked solid last week against the Rams minus the collapse and I think this season they are going to get the ball rolling again. Cam seems to be somewhat healthy, the Panthers are always a tough team and I can not stress this enough, the Bucs fucking suck.

More importantly then all of this I want to talk about how fucking bad these Thursday Night Football commercials are. The premise of the commercial is so stupid, these two fans are talking shit not too each other, well kind off, but to the other team. This guy Jim/Bob/standard white guy is talking about how the Panthers can’t handle the Bucs while wearing this ridiculous Hawaiian shirt. Everyone can handle the Bucs. Then this frumpy ass gross looking lady in front of this massive grill is going on about “Super Cam” and how he won’t be bothered by Tampa. We know, no one has been bothered by Tampa in the history of sports. Except I guess that Super Bowl. Shut the hell up both of you. Shit talking should be visceral, you should be talking about how the Panthers suck because your husband cheated on you with your best friend and now has two families. Let’s run through a much better example.

White Guy:

Get ready you inbred cousin fuckers Tampa is going to molest you like you are driving an Uber that Jameis is in.

White Girl:

Tampa is poor man’s Miami. Big Willie wasn’t singing about “Down to Tampa where the crystal meth is on”

Listen that is not great either but at least it is a launch point for a better commercial. Regardless, the Bucs are god damn terrrrrrible. They are coming off an atrocity, they are playing on the road, and Bruce Arians is lost out there. Panthers easy.

“You could put a man’s eye out with that thing, and normally I wouldn’t mind, but I’m running short on eyes these days.”

Marathon Mike

Marathon Mondays Week 9: Halfway Home

Chronicling on a week-to-week basis my progress on this training plan has had nothing but positive effects on the actual training. The old adage “you have to put it out in the world to make it happen” or something along those lines has forced me to hold myself accountable. I am at the start of Week 9 which means I have crossed the halfway point, hence the super clever and original subtitle for this thing.

This week is one of the 3 peak weeks of the training plan with 50-54 miles as the weekly mileage. I already skipped the optional 4-mile run so 50 it is. When I was shopping around for (free) plans, I thought that a week like this looking fucking impossible, now I’m so used to this thing that all I can think of is if I will get home from the 18-mile run in time for the start of the Giants game. No doubt sitting through a Giants/Bills game is going to be a way worse three hours then the run. Probably will be sorer from it as well, as I internally rage and pop a blood vessel or take a kitchen knife and gouge out my eyes to save myself from the misery. If I have to listen to Troy Aikman, Troy fucking Aikman of all god damn people, defend the Giants and Eli Manning against Joe Suck for my Sunday afternoon my ears are going the way of the cameras of Jeffery Epstein’s cell, off. Nailed that joke 3 weeks too late. Man the Giants have a way of getting me off script.

It is a testament of how sticking to a plan and continuing to push yourself can really pay off. I swear when I started this thing I thought the concept of having to run 18 miles sounded impossible. I knew how gassed I was after running half marathons and an additional 5 miles seemed like a worse torture then being a cornerback on the aforementioned Giants last Sunday. Now I’m thinking that after the 5-mile run on Saturday I might hit the gym and get a little extra work in. Crazy.

On the subject of progress, I have to say that taking a week off had noticeable effects on my running last week. I mentioned that my body had felt great after not running which was wonderful, but I feel like I struggled to get through the Wednesday 8-miler and the Thursday 7-miler. Those runs felt absolutely torturous and the only things I can really attribute that too are the weather (maybe?) and the break. Perhaps not for the first time but certainly this was noticeable to me, I actually worried that I would be unable to finish the run. I almost started walking, which to me is equal to quitting. I was fucking gassed after both of those runs. I don’t think it was exhaustion from the interval run, but I definitely was exhausted. Terrible. On a lighter note the rest of the week went great, the Friday tempo run I really cruised through, I ran the 10-miler on Saturday with no issues, and Sunday’s run was torture but for different reasons well documented here: https://swordsandsports.blog/2019/09/10/new-balance-5th-avenue-mile-race-review/

So what am I looking at for this week. I mentioned already that the long run is an 18-miler, which I will be doing the NYRR training run thingy for (review to come). That obviously is an enormous challenge, but after the relatively successful 16-mile run (minus almost drowning and having rain drops assault my bald dome) I hope to cruise through it. I ran the 6-mile Hill run this morning and it was relatively easy. I will see how the 8-mile, 7-mile, 6-mile tempo, and 5-mile runs go but I really don’t foresee any problems. My hamstrings still feel absolutely murdered but that will fade. Alright time to stop talking about it and instead get too it!

Race Reviews

New Balance 5th Avenue Mile Race Review

not me…obviously

Date: Sunday, September 8th 2019

Distance: 1 Mile

Location: New York, NY (5th Ave between like 62nd and 83rd St. or something)

Time: 0:05:59

I was looking for the format I used last time for one of these race reviews and realized it has been almost two months since I last ran a race, which for someone who runs consistently seems like a really long time. In actuality doing races is almost getting in the way of the actual training. For example, this race is only one mile (which you probably got from the name of the race). I had to run 10 miles on Sunday, so after finishing the race I would have had to either run before the race or after. If I got a medal for the race or any other swag, I would have had to either run with the stuff or leave it. I keep all this stuff hypothetical because they gave no after race stuff so this didn’t really apply. I also did my long run on Saturday so I had to run 4 after the race which isn’t bad at all. Point is, the races can in theory get in the way of training, or at least force it to take way more planning around, hence why I only signed up for two races during this 16 week thing. One of those is the 18 mile training run, which lines up with my 18-mile run so that is actually great.

Complaining about things that didn’t actually happen at all aside, the New Balance 5th Avenue Mile race is a really cool concept. They do the race in waves (they might call them heats but it’s the same concept) broken up by age so you actually line up with a bunch of people who are in your own age range, as opposed to around your same speed. It definitely has an actual person against person competition feel to it, because you know everyone around you started around the same time as you so anyone you pass you beat. If you care about those things. Which of course I do because I am hyper competitive.

With 9,172 running this thing, broken up into a lot of groups over not a lot of space, it seems like it would be an organizational nightmare, but NYRR does an excellent job of keeping the thing moving. My wave, the 25-29 age group, went at 9:20 AM, if I remember from last year that is an hour later than last year. Last year’s weather was trash, this year it could not have been more perfect. I think it was 60ish and sunny.

This is an awesome race. That being said, I fucking hate it. I easily think it is the hardest race I run. This is entirely my own fault and has no reflection on the race. Last year I flat out sprinted the first quarter mile because I tried to keep up with all the dudes in the front, and after that quarter mile I felt as if death had come for me. I spent like 20 minutes after this thing hacking up a lung.

This year was still not great, though I didn’t feel like death so that’s an improvement. I spent much more time loosening up, stretching actively and statically in an attempt to get my hammys at the minimal working. I also came out much more reserved. This helped a lot, as I cut off 18 seconds from the year prior.

Still though, after I passed the quarter mile timer, I had fleeting thoughts about bailing on running hard. I honestly think I would have if I didn’t think that stopping would have caused me to flat out tear my whole leg. The second quarter of the race is slightly uphill, so all I see in my vision is emptiness, very uninspiring. At least the second half is better, it starts off downhill and I could see the finish line so at least I knew my torture was coming to the end. I felt my hamstrings pulling the entire time though. I tried to kick it up another notch at the 200 meters left sign, as I saw that I was getting close to getting under 6 minutes, but I didn’t realize that I had started like 8 seconds after so the timer at the end line was over 6 minutes I was too deflated to run harder. Good thing I didn’t slow down though because I was literally one second from not being under. That was not intentional at all.

Either way, if you are great at running a mile this race is probably a blast. I mean I came in 408 of 825 in my age group. As I said I am irrationally competitive, so even knowing I am not a great mile runner, the fact that 407 dudes finished ahead of me is infuriating. And on top of that I was basically dead average. I hate this race. At least at other distances I don’t really care as much because I know I suck at it. This one hits harder for some reason.

The gear though for this race is sweeeeeeet. Last year they gave out the wackest hats known to man, I don’t even have mine I threw it out instantly so no picture. This year though they gave out a pair of running shorts, but like really nice ones that have pockets. The women’s shorts don’t have pockets but I am a man so that is zero issue to me. Here they are:

I didn’t take any of my own pictures because I forgot my phone in the car, for some reason bringing my wallet instead, which of course is very useful for running a mile. So my apologies.

So in review, this race is really cool and probably a ton of fun. Unless you are me and find no joy in anything. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that Jenny Simpson won this thing for the 8th time. What a fuckkkkking beast. Who cares about the guys. Also Tiki Barber I think ran this. It infuriates me to no end that this guy is apart of NYRR. Stay tuned for a race review next week!

Final Notes: No comment on the Giants game yesterday. Leave me alone.

Journey around the Wheel of Time

The Dragon Reborn Audiobook Update 1: Prelude and Perrin

Hard to imagine that I am on book three of this Wheel of Time journey. But for real it actually feels like I should be on book 234 by now. I mean for 60% of my runs I listen to these audiobooks and based on the other weekly series of this blog, Marathon Monday’s (on Tuesday’s), one would think that I would fly through these things. But you forget that these books are god damn enormous. Also maybe I don’t run that much. Just kidding it’s never my fault. Also that statistic is totally made up. Stats are for nerds. Unless they prove my point.

So intro out of the way, I am on to The Dragon Reborn. Easily one of the better titles of the series. By titles I literally mean the title of the book, I forget if this is one of the good ones. Because as of right now, we got teenage angst Rand, who is pulling his best Antonio Brown impression and just refusing to cooperate. Like when I was listening to the Perrin chapter and it is going something along the lines of Perrin saying “if you know Morraine is right, why are you being such a disagreeable little bitch” I envisioned Tyrell Williams saying this exact thing to Antonio Brown about Mike Mayock. I promise I did not know another Raider WR of the top of my head and had to look that up. I know I said I refuse to do research but I also made up that declaration.

On the topic of research, this book has a great chance to be enjoyable due to the simple fact that 2.4% of the book is Rand’s POV. That one is not made up, I pulled it from that WoT wiki. I would count this as a blessing, as already Perrin sees right through Rand’s bitchassness and starts taking charge by hitting on all the women that are into Rand. He is playing the friend/confidant role to Min, trying to get in her good graces so that when she needs a shoulder to cry on about ol’ Randy, Perrin can slide up in them tomboy cheeks. Lanfear even smells how soft Rand is and tries to throw her hat in the mix of being in the Perrin pack. I had another word to throw in that sick alliteration but that crosses a line even for me.

I may have mentioned before that the prelude chapters are some of the best chapters in the series and this prelude is no exception. The concept of the Children of the Light is one of the more interesting concepts of the book. Here they are just super anti-magic so they go around essentially trying to bully everyone under the guise of trying to keep people pure. It’s an awesome militant group that adds a kind of predictable yet entertaining third hat in the ring. Pedron Niall is a fun character. His little quest for glory revels a lot about the inner workings of the Children and kind of mirrors the Forsaken in their individual motivations taking precedence over the fake one-for-all goal.

Final Notes: Yes I watched the game last night. If you bet with me you are dumb. Go Giants! I know I did zero book reviews and I didn’t do my vaunted country review. O well.

Mat's Money Makers

Matrim’s Money Makers: NFL Season Opener Edition

That is supposed to be Locke Lamora

To set the stage

The Game:

Green Bay Packers (0-0, 0-0 Away) vs. Chicago Bears (0-0, 0-0 Home)

Date: Thursday, Sept. 5, 2019

Time: 8:20 p.m. EST

Venue: Soldier Field – Chicago, IL

The Bet:

Spread: GB: +3 (+100) | CHI: -3 (-120)

My Guaranteed Winner:

CHI: -3 (-120)

FOOTBALL is back! Which means the return of the easiest way to make (lose) money this fall! Behind on your credit card payments? Bet (don’t) with me. Need Roman swipes (sponsor me please) because your girl is complaining that you are a two pump chump? Bet with me! Tired of running out of cocaine in the pre-game? Bet with me and stay bumping lines until 5 minutes into the game like a god damn champion/drug addict. Ride the gravy train straight into some KFC biscuits. Get yourself back to a zero balance, get your dick numb, work on deviating that septum, all things are possible when you follow the advice of a man who titles his gambling blogs after a fictional gambler from a fantasy series.

On another note that isn’t hardo gambling guy/blatant rip-off of The Wolf of Wall Street this new way of setting the scene with the formatting is much better. Thanks FanDuel blog thing!

Okay so now that the scene is set lets get into the meat of it. The Packers are coming off of one of those nightmare seasons. 6-9-1 with McCarthy’s fat ass getting the boot after 12 games. Rodgers continuing to be Mr. Glass and going down for the year. The kind of stuff that gets the boys down. So naturally they brought in a whole new coaching staff.  They have no notables in the receiver/running back game. Normally that wouldn’t matter, Rodgers is honestly that fucking good. He also rippppped the Bears heart out last year. But they have a new head coach in Matty LaFleur and I think it’s safe to say that the first game of the season with an entirely new coaching staff, playing on the road, and playing a great Bears team is a recipe for disaster.

The Bears are a lot of peoples pick for coming out of the NFC. Whether that happens or not remains to be seen. Obviously they got massacred by the Double-Doink but they are a young, hungry squad ready to tear it up. Easy choice.

None of this is new information. I am not reinventing the wheel with this stuff. The point I am trying to make is stats and shit are dumb. This is an obvious feeling bet. Also Aaron Rodgers can’t chug a beer. That has to haunt a man. At least for a week. Please?

“The innocent died along with the guilty. And if you did nothing, then only the innocent died.”

-Mat Cauthon

Marathon Mike

Marathon Mondays Week 8: Back and same as ever

Back from a not-so-well deserved vacation is the number 204958028 blogger in the world, here to tell harrowing tales of his adventures in foreign lands. Actually no I am not doing any recap of Colombia in this blog because I am terrible at coming up with ideas and need to save that for another day. What I am going to provide the world with is a progress report on my quest to run a marathon.

Kind of like what college football did with week zero actually having official games, we are officially at Week 8 of this thing after last weeks unofficial Week 8. Actually that doesn’t relate at all but I do want to say calling something week zero is either bad-ass or the stupidest thing ever. Since college football is boring as fuck, I vote stupid.

As you can see from the lovely picture above, I clearly did not run once on my vacation. I have to say taking a week off was the most bizarre feeling I have had in a while. Not since I went to Ireland last year have I taken more then 4 days off consecutively. I just felt kind of lost, especially since this was in the middle of an intense (for me) training program where I am so used to running at a minimum five times a week. But let me tell you, allllll of my nagging injuries and aches and general physical pain is gone. While I normally scoff at the idea of rest, I still scoff at the idea of rest.

Week 7 of the program was a monster. Having not ran on the Sunday for Week 6, I had to run 10 miles on Monday, leaving no rest day heading into Week 7. This would have been fine in a normal week, but due to scheduling I really had no other day besides Thursday to do my long run. So I followed up that 10-miler with a not terrible tempo run and then I guess my recovery run was the 7-miler on Wednesday. I was dying on that run.

The real fucking challenge was of course the 16-miler. I set a new distance PR (everyone loves hearing about other peoples PR’s I know). As you may have noticed, the run was broken up into two parts. This isn’t because I did like 12 in the morning and 4 at night, it’s because after running 12 miles the fucking skies opened up like a lady of the night to the point where sidewalks flooded and I physically could not run. I had to take cover in a hotel parking lot for like 10 minutes until things calmed down a bit. I looked like a jackass because of course I was running with no shirt and I was just standing there with my thumb up my ass shirtless freezing my nipples off. Things were going surprisingly smooth throughout it which is the real frustrating part. Either way it got done.

This week is another calm before the storm week. I ran the 5-miler I never got to before I went on vacation when I got back Monday morning. Went straight from watching Avengers: Endgame, through customs to hitting those streets like a lady of the night. Thats a callback joke right there . . . I think. I also have never seen any of the Avengers or like the last 12 Marvel movies so that was certainly something. Feel like that Thanos guy gets a bad rap. He was a hardcore motherfucker.

Since I am publishing this late Tuesday night I also got to admit I already ran the 6-mile interval run. It wasn’t too bad. Looking forward to having a nice week to ease back into things. Not looking forward to doing that tempo run on Friday. I am firmly anti-tempo gang. Lets get itttttttt.

Final Notes: Really excited for the next few weeks on the blog, I finished three books over the course of the vacation so I am chomping at the bit to get these reviews out to you guys. One of the books I have blogged extensively about and I can’t wait to whine like a spoiled white child who doesn’t get to eat cookies for dinner. God that is just not a funny joke. The other two are a surprise!

Also FOOOTTTTBALLL is back this week. I know college is already back, but right now I have on this Notre Dame vs. Louisville game and I am getting my yearly reminder that college football is fucking boring. I mean they are showing this fucking Notre Dame coaches vacation pictures from Ireland and Scotland. Jesus Christ. Might bring back Mat’s Money Makers, the ultimate fail gambling blog.

Journey around the Wheel of Time

The Great Hunt Audiobook Wrap-up

A long, long journey has finally come to its conclusion. Just kidding I think I still have twelve audiobooks to go. Which is great because I am struggling to come up with content and need the distraction from the misery of my daily life. Also the audiobooks are solid.

Welcome to the Friday blog series of one man’s journey to listen to all 14 audiobooks of The Wheel of Time while simultaneously training for a marathon. The Venn diagram of people who have attempted such a remarkable feat are two separate circles. Credit to me.

The Great Hunt is a tale of one man’s attempt to steal something that doesn’t belong to him and a hero named Mat bravely stepping in to take possession of it. Another hero, Ingtar, makes a valiant effort to eliminate this creep by playing an integral role in trying to assassinate him. This swine of the earth is of course the moody, ever complaining, miserable sack of shit known as Rand al’Bore.

The Great Hunt is an excellent sequel to the first book. It advances the characters enough to leave plenty of room for growth, without having their character arcs go past the point of interest. Idk that was a pretty boring recap. Let’s talk fighting and fucking.

So the big final battle of The Great Hunt is a weird ghost fight between Rand and Ba’alzamon that is just a terrible event that Rand unfortunately comes out the victor. If we are in the trust tree I have to admit that these like magical showdowns are soooooo boring. Especially considering this is kind of the way the first book ended, it just feels like there are a lot of different options for this final battle scene. Does there have to be an enormous god-like showdown? This is Rand’s second one-on-one fight in the last 100 pages (I think but idk because I’m listening to it) so it just seems like we could have lived without it. Either way it happened and spoiler alert, Rand wins! Terrible

What is awesome is that the blower of the horn is Min (I ain’t talking about the Horn of Valere folks). But also cool is Mat blowing the horn and summoning your boy Artur Hawkwing. Artur drops a few gems about Rand being the Dragon Reborn then he and ghost gang fuck up the Seanchan after they finish putting a beating on the Whiteblokes. That also is not very fun because it is a foregone conclusion. Birgitte Silverbow makes her appearance here and I forget when she gets stuck as a real person like a Pinocchio thing but maybe it happens then? Whatever its time to save Mat already.

In my own conclusion, I regret to inform my zero readers that I will be in the great country of Colombia for the next 8 days so unless I somehow get access to a computer and feel like writing blogs that no one reads there will be no update on my marathon training nor this audiobook. What I will come back with is a couple of book wrap-ups since I plan on finally finishing both The Stone Sky and The Dark Defiles as well as a comprehensive review of the country of Colombia. I might try and somehow do a marathon training blog at some point next week because I feel like this week deserved at least some discussion but who knows. Moving on to The Dragon Reborn! Stay classy everybody.