Journey around the Wheel of Time

The Shadow Rising Audiobook Update 3: Aiel, Aiel, and more . . . Aiel

After the lovely trip into the world of weirdo snakes the gang decides that some decisions have to be made. Fuckboy Rand makes a bunch of pointless proclamations but the main point is finally everybody gets to split up and go there own separate ways. Unfortunately Rand accompanies the hero of our story to lovely top vacation destination theeeeee Aiel Waste!

In other news, the Perrin possee make their way over to the Two Rivers to deal with the Whitecloaks, with Faile naturally bitching. There has never been a character in all of time that nags their man more then Faile Bashere. I mean this dude Perrin is yokkkkked and quite frankly a big pussy, I mean a nice guy, and all this girl does is get mad at him. Granted she found him shirtless in a room with smokeshow Berelain, which in most instances would be the end of any solid relationship so she kind of has some ground to stand on, but in typical whiny girl fashion instead of taking action she just nags him to death. That was a massive sentence. She also tricks my homie Loial into scheming to accompany Perrin, whatever they are doing shit in The Ways.

The queen of mean, Nynaeve, and her lackey ol’ Elayne decide to go to Tanchico based on some crackpot dream Egwene has. Shit pops off for them eventually, but right now we get bored to death with Elayne and Thom’s rekindling of their semi-parental relationship. To be honest that whole thing gets pretty weird.

But lets talk Mat and Moiraine. Listen say what you want about Moiraine but I am more and more thinking that she might be a top female character in all of fantasy. She is fucking hardddddd.

So an illustrious crew of Rand, Mat, Lan, Egwene, Aviendha, and some other Aiel all take the stone thing to teleport to the Aiel waste. Apparently everyone has to go to Rhuidean and become clan chiefs and wise women and stuff. But the Aiel Waste does not lack for entertainment, instantly we get a scene where Mat, and I guess Rand, get threatned by some loser wannabe Aiel Chief and Mat is ready to lay down the law.

I am going to save the trip into Rhuidean for next week, mainly because we haven’t got there, but I wanted to mention one thing. Robert Jordan is the most subtle horndog in the world. At this point the amount of women who have had to strip down and get naked to go do some task or other is crazy. In this part not only does Aviendha get naked to go run to Rhuidean, but Moiraine also whips em out. I don’t think WoT actually has any sex scenes, but Jordan sure does talk about titties a whole bunch, without ever actually saying tits. He is a master of his craft.

To be fair this did not have much talk of the Aiel, so I guess the subtitle was a little misleading. Fuck you. But also have a great weekend!

Final Notes: Say what you want about Miles Garret but him getting kicked on the ground was hysterical. All that matters is they crushed the spread.

Journey around the Wheel of Time

The Shadow Rising Audiobook Update 2: An attempted catch up

Man I have really let this weekly series fall to the wayside. As a no self blame blog, I refuse to blame myself for this, so I am forced to blame external factors. Either way, I am going to try and cover some of the wild ass events that have occurred. Try and keep in mind, much like the entire Giants season, I am coming at this from a deficit so some stuff has to be glossed over.

The battle of the Stone of Tear is something that is worthy of it’s own blog, as I believe while the battle itself is actually pretty boring, the stuff surrounding it was way more interesting. Lanfear, which I am now realizing that clearly Jordan just ran out of character names and took Lan’s name and added fear, tries once again to unsuccessfully fuck Rand. Since Rand is mostly into children, Lanfear being immortal and shit was never going to succeed. Apparently she can change her form, so if she really wanted to succeed maybe she should change her appearance to a teenager and sing some Billie Eilish while crying about her self-diagnosed depression. See I get what kids are into these days.

Whatever she doesn’t, instead she basically ruins the whole surprise attack on the Stone. What a narc. If you are team trolloc, which for the record I am not as I find them pretty boring, you would hate this move. She basically is Leonard Williams, but unlike Leonard Williams her giving away of her old team secrets didn’t lead to getting carved up by a QB who still is suffering from PTSD after watching the remake of Ghostbusters. Instead the trollocs get zapped to death by Rand. We are now approaching the part of the series where every major confrontation with trolloc’s end with them getting murked by the one power. Kinda like when a dude playing COD on a PC in commie china is going up against us free folk on xbox. The most interesting part of this was that this surprise attack might have worked, if Lanfear didn’t actively use her trolloc’s to save everyone than Rand would hopefully be dead.

Like I said, I really wanted to go into all this stuff but I am way too behind at this point so I have to pick a few things to go over. I promise to right this ship by Friday’s edition.

To end it I want to talk about Mat’s wild ride in the doorway ter’angreal. So Mat is craving for some answers to life’s biggest questions and goes into weirdo world to get some answers. The guy knows he only gets to ask three questions, so he has to play it cool. But he is NOT happy with the shit this Aelfinn pull. Here is how the thing basically goes:

  1. “Should I go home to help my people?” “You must go to Rhuidean.”
  2. “Why should I [go to Rhuidean]?” “If you do not go to Rhuidean, you will die.”
  3. “Why will I die if I do not go to Rhuidean?” “You will have sidestepped the thread of fate, left your fate to drift on the winds of time, and you will be killed by those who do not want that fate fulfilled.”

So Mat starts flipping out that they are trying to get him out of there and start rapid fires questions at them. This for some reason proves an effective strategy, as this losers actually answer him. It continues:

“What fate are you talking about? (…) What fate?” “To marry the Daughter of the Nine Moons!”

“To die and live again, and live once more a part of what was!” “To give up half the light of the world to save the world!”

“Go to Rhuidean, son of battles! Go to Rhuidean, trickster! Go, gambler! Go!”

Possible book review coming this week as well.

Uncategorized

The Dragon Reborn Audiobook 5: Tear and things

I had to read last weeks rendition of the greatest audiobook recap of the Wheel of Time or audiobooks in general because so much happens towards the end of this book it was hard for me to remember where I ended and what I included. So without further ado, let’s dive in.

From what I can gather (I didn’t really read last weeks blog, that would be called preparation, and everyone knows preparation is the antithesis of success) from the subtitle, no one had made it to Tear since the last time we talked. Which gives me so much to pick and choose.

I think it is fantastic how individually Nynaeve, Egwene, and Elayne can accomplish so many different things, but when they are together they constantly get duped or fall into easy traps. Case in point, them once again getting kidnapped, this time at least the Black Ajah did it. So these dumbasses go to stay with this old toad wise woman and within one night get bundled by Liandrin and gang. Like how dumb do you have to be to get kidnapped a mere week after getting . . . wait for it . . . kidnapped. Say I get in the van offering me candy as a child and I am justttttt about to get the old molestation pecker before I am miraculously saved. Next time I am walking down the street, you best believe I am looking every which way making sure no one is offering me candy. If the ice cream man so much as looks my direction I am running like I am Golden Tate burning that Pats corner last night when he turned around to make sure he was good (and gloat a little). Dumb and dumber and dumbest.

Who the fuck you think has to save these idiots? You guessed it, the hero of the Wheel of Time, my idol, Matrim Motherfucking Cauthon. This guy is the epitome of class, fresh off of murdering the dude sent from Caemlyn by Lord Gaebril after out-gambling the dude, Mat enters hero mode. He practically has to drag Thom to a wise woman, first off saving him, before he finds out the terrible trio got bundled. Wasting NO time, he saunters off to the stone of Tear to begin operation rescue. He then almost whips up on some Aiel who sneak up on him and basically does the fantasy version of a flash bang grenade by setting of some fireworks, anddddd takes down a bunch of High Lords of Tear in one-on-one combat using a quarterstaff. The best. Only quote I am including in this blog:

The man in the gold-striped coat sneered. “You will be honored to die on the blade of the High Lord Darlin, peasant, if I allow it so.” It was the first time he had deigned to speak. “Instead, I think I will have the pair of you hung by the heels, and watch while the skin is stripped from your bodies-”

“I do not think I’d like that,” Mat said.

So Perrin has got a lot on his plate. First he has to deal with Moiraine telling him what to do, then he decides that he would enjoy nothing more than just blacksmithing for the hell of it. The chapter where he just walks into a blacksmiths smitthy and starts working with no conversation is just peak Perrin. The guy loves manual labor. While he is working he has to deal with creepy ass Faile borderline sexually harassing him at the workplace. And the girl has the nerve to get trapped in World of Dreams. Perrin teams up with fan favorite Hopper and gets to chomping. Love it.

Lastly I will end with Rand al’Snore. I ended with him about to duel with Be’lal. SOOOOOO interesting. Book recap will with no doubt be coming next Friday.

Final Notes: Last night for the first time in a while I felt like the Giants had a realistic chance at beating an elite team. Then they didn’t. The over hit though.

Journey around the Wheel of Time

The Dragon Reborn Audiobook Update 4: All roads lead to Tear

Today is Friday and everyone knows Fridays are for updating the world on an audiobook I exclusively listen to while exercising. The journey around the Wheel of Time has been quite the thrill, the sweet sounds of Michael Kramer and Kate Reading have blessed my eardrums with nothing but the highest quality fantasy this forlorn world has to offer.

That opening paragraph was the blogging version of repeating the question to stall for time. The problem with doing all those Mat quotes last week was I kind of forgot where I left off so this recap is without a doubt going to be out-of-order with a heavy focus on recency.

Lets start with ya boy Perrin. Perrin is not what we would call your traditional ladies man. Sure the boy is a good looking meat monster, but his soft ass beta attitude directly impacts his ability to capitalize. He rolls in on Moraine half dressed and the dude just wants to talk. She even goes so far as to drop a hint, saying something along the lines of “you are a good looking man” or some other coy Aes Sedai flirting technique and the dude is just stuck in his own head. O well Zarine Bashere enters the picture, so Perrin’s non-player days are pretty much over at this point anyway.

I would like to talk about Perrin’s clear highlight of the book. Look Perrin puts in that fucking work, no one would ever call the guy a bitch, and there are a few times in this book in particular when he goes green-eggs-and-ham on some fucking clowns. The first was when he smoked that Myrddraal with the ax, sure the woman he was trying to protect died but that is irrelevant, the actual fight was hardddddd.

So in Remen two hunters of the horn have captured an Aiel man, later revealed as Gaul, and left him in a cage in the town square. Perrin springs the dude from the trap when they encounter a group of whitecloaks. I fucking love the Aiel sometimes, that whole wrapping the black cloth around their faces thing and dropping dope one-liners gets me every time. True to form Gaul drops an all timer “Do you like to dance, Perrin Aybara” and then the two of them absolutely slaughter the whitecloaks. I know Perrin hates killing but damn that is a fun read.

This is getting long so I guess I will have to do some highlights. Nynaeve, Elayne and Egwene meet the maidens of the spear and we get introduced to Aviendha (no way I will ever remember how to spell that). Unsurprisingly get nabbed again and are being sold to a couple of Myrddraal when the Aiel come and save them. At this point the Aiel have completely massacred all the dark friends, and they have the two Myrddraal surrounded. Now it’s mentioned 9,000,000 times how Myrddraal scare the shit out of everyone, but the Aiel are taunting them with classic barbs and completely humiliating these evil ghost ghoul things.

As they circled, the Aiel drummed their spears against their small hide bucklers. Thrum-thrum-THRUM-thrum . . . thrum-thrum-THRUM-thrum . . . thrum-thrum-THRUM-thrum. The Myrddraal turned with them, and their eyeless faces seemed uncertain, uneasy that the fear their gaze struck into every human heart did not seem to touch these.
“Dance with me, Shadowman,” one of the Aiel called suddenly, tauntingly. He sounded like a young man.

So fucking badass. Aiel are awesome.

I want to close this with an update on the hero of the story. Mat delivers a letter to Morgase, who he thinks about dancing with just thought it was important to add that the man has the confidence to try and get with the Queen, and is mad at Gaebril for kind of demeaning him and planning to kill Elayne, Egwene and Nynaeve and drops a classic.

“What’s this, lad? Coin?” “Stakes.”Gaebril doesn’t know it, but he and I have a wager.” The cat jumped down as Mat picked up the wooden dive cup and spun the dice out on the table. Five sixes. “And I always win.”

Happy Friday!

Final Notes: This is going to seem like bullshit, but I actually bet the Rams at +1.5 last night and of course didn’t write about it. Proof is here:

Journey around the Wheel of Time

The Dragon Reborn Audiobook Update 3: It’s the return of the Mat(ck)

One morning this fine week I woke up and realized that the summer had officially passed us by. The muggy atrocity that was this summer’s weather was a thing of the past. Aggressive sunlight burning the poor crown of my head was no more. A slight chill in the air made me regret my choice of running attire, as my nipples turned to glass cutters and got rubber raw like Bob Kraft in a Jupiter massage parlor. Cue the joke drums. While the end of summer is usually a sad time for me, as I am just a summer child, there was something I knew would brighten up the day. For I am at the part in The Dragon Reborn where our hero has returned to us. I am of course talking about Matrim Cauthon.

The meddling Aes Sedai perform the only healing that brings me bliss. They separate Mat from the dagger of Shadar Logoth. But Mat doesn’t just get healed like no bitch, he drops some fucking bars on those annoying ass clucking hens. And with that I present my next edition of great quotes.

” ‘I am a free man, Aes Sedai. I am no Aes Sedai meat.’ That is what he said.”

As your boy is getting healed, he wants to let them know what the fucking deal is. He is noones bitch. They may heal him, but they don’t own him. Such a power move to be on the brink of death and be talking shit as people are saving him Aes Sedai – -100000 Mat – 1

A visit with them, a day to see the city, perhaps a game with the dice to pad out his purse, and then he would be off for somewhere where there were no Aes Sedai.

At this point Mat has been awake for a total of five minutes before he starts thinking about stacking those golden marks. He has three things on his planner: reluctantly say bye to his hometown friends, see the city, and get to gambling. The boy was born to get that bread so he wakes up thinking about the money. In the immortal words of Gudda Gudda “Okay I wake up in the morning brush my teeth and count the money.” I have no doubt this line was in direct reference to Mat.

“Not your marks,” Mat said, shoving them in his coat pocket, “mine.”

There are some chapters that I vividly remember when I read this series, the chapter where Mat whips Galad and Gawyn while sparring is one of them. It is an all time chapter and truly shows why I am a Mat stan . So Mat just gets denied by a girl I won’t mention since she passed on our hero and sees these two royal scrubs sparring with the warders. Mat gets this great idea in his head, I can beat these clowns senseless and get paid to do it. Of course since the women are watching he wants to put on a show. He talks mad shit to them, goading them until the head Warder sets up the match. The stakes are 2 silver marks from both of them to 2 silver marks from Mat. Mat goes to work on them, embarrassing the hell out of Galad and Gawyn as they fight him with practice swords against his quarterstaff. When Gawyn hands over the money, Mat lets him know who calls the shots, not your dough boyyyyyyyy it’s mine.

After rummaging a bit, he brought out two silver pennies from his pocket. One more than paid for the wine, but he slipped her another for her eyes. “My friend will be joining me.”

I think I will finish this up with the quote above. Starting to run a little long. Mat finally gets to gambling and goes on an absolute heater. Kind of the exact opposite of me and Thursday Night Football bets. Fuck you Aaron Rodgers. Mat has acquired major stacks, and sure he kills a man, when he heads in to a bar and sees the legend Thom. Sitting at a table, he shows his generosity by giving the server a biggg tip. Listen Mat is a ladies man, the dude gets it. He didn’t give her an extra silver mark because she had buxom chest (is that #metoo proof?) he complimented her eyes. Classy move, classy man. Also he bought a drink for his boy, respect.

So ends a ridiculously long blog. I know I skipped this last week but I was in Florida so I apologize for nothing. I will apologize for the last update because I started two consecutive paragraphs with ‘So’. Sloppy, I made sure to save that particular paragraph starter for the last one. Once again fuck Aaron Rodgers. Till next week…

Journey around the Wheel of Time

The Dragon Reborn Audiobook Update 1: Prelude and Perrin

Hard to imagine that I am on book three of this Wheel of Time journey. But for real it actually feels like I should be on book 234 by now. I mean for 60% of my runs I listen to these audiobooks and based on the other weekly series of this blog, Marathon Monday’s (on Tuesday’s), one would think that I would fly through these things. But you forget that these books are god damn enormous. Also maybe I don’t run that much. Just kidding it’s never my fault. Also that statistic is totally made up. Stats are for nerds. Unless they prove my point.

So intro out of the way, I am on to The Dragon Reborn. Easily one of the better titles of the series. By titles I literally mean the title of the book, I forget if this is one of the good ones. Because as of right now, we got teenage angst Rand, who is pulling his best Antonio Brown impression and just refusing to cooperate. Like when I was listening to the Perrin chapter and it is going something along the lines of Perrin saying “if you know Morraine is right, why are you being such a disagreeable little bitch” I envisioned Tyrell Williams saying this exact thing to Antonio Brown about Mike Mayock. I promise I did not know another Raider WR of the top of my head and had to look that up. I know I said I refuse to do research but I also made up that declaration.

On the topic of research, this book has a great chance to be enjoyable due to the simple fact that 2.4% of the book is Rand’s POV. That one is not made up, I pulled it from that WoT wiki. I would count this as a blessing, as already Perrin sees right through Rand’s bitchassness and starts taking charge by hitting on all the women that are into Rand. He is playing the friend/confidant role to Min, trying to get in her good graces so that when she needs a shoulder to cry on about ol’ Randy, Perrin can slide up in them tomboy cheeks. Lanfear even smells how soft Rand is and tries to throw her hat in the mix of being in the Perrin pack. I had another word to throw in that sick alliteration but that crosses a line even for me.

I may have mentioned before that the prelude chapters are some of the best chapters in the series and this prelude is no exception. The concept of the Children of the Light is one of the more interesting concepts of the book. Here they are just super anti-magic so they go around essentially trying to bully everyone under the guise of trying to keep people pure. It’s an awesome militant group that adds a kind of predictable yet entertaining third hat in the ring. Pedron Niall is a fun character. His little quest for glory revels a lot about the inner workings of the Children and kind of mirrors the Forsaken in their individual motivations taking precedence over the fake one-for-all goal.

Final Notes: Yes I watched the game last night. If you bet with me you are dumb. Go Giants! I know I did zero book reviews and I didn’t do my vaunted country review. O well.

Journey around the Wheel of Time

The Great Hunt Audiobook Wrap-up

A long, long journey has finally come to its conclusion. Just kidding I think I still have twelve audiobooks to go. Which is great because I am struggling to come up with content and need the distraction from the misery of my daily life. Also the audiobooks are solid.

Welcome to the Friday blog series of one man’s journey to listen to all 14 audiobooks of The Wheel of Time while simultaneously training for a marathon. The Venn diagram of people who have attempted such a remarkable feat are two separate circles. Credit to me.

The Great Hunt is a tale of one man’s attempt to steal something that doesn’t belong to him and a hero named Mat bravely stepping in to take possession of it. Another hero, Ingtar, makes a valiant effort to eliminate this creep by playing an integral role in trying to assassinate him. This swine of the earth is of course the moody, ever complaining, miserable sack of shit known as Rand al’Bore.

The Great Hunt is an excellent sequel to the first book. It advances the characters enough to leave plenty of room for growth, without having their character arcs go past the point of interest. Idk that was a pretty boring recap. Let’s talk fighting and fucking.

So the big final battle of The Great Hunt is a weird ghost fight between Rand and Ba’alzamon that is just a terrible event that Rand unfortunately comes out the victor. If we are in the trust tree I have to admit that these like magical showdowns are soooooo boring. Especially considering this is kind of the way the first book ended, it just feels like there are a lot of different options for this final battle scene. Does there have to be an enormous god-like showdown? This is Rand’s second one-on-one fight in the last 100 pages (I think but idk because I’m listening to it) so it just seems like we could have lived without it. Either way it happened and spoiler alert, Rand wins! Terrible

What is awesome is that the blower of the horn is Min (I ain’t talking about the Horn of Valere folks). But also cool is Mat blowing the horn and summoning your boy Artur Hawkwing. Artur drops a few gems about Rand being the Dragon Reborn then he and ghost gang fuck up the Seanchan after they finish putting a beating on the Whiteblokes. That also is not very fun because it is a foregone conclusion. Birgitte Silverbow makes her appearance here and I forget when she gets stuck as a real person like a Pinocchio thing but maybe it happens then? Whatever its time to save Mat already.

In my own conclusion, I regret to inform my zero readers that I will be in the great country of Colombia for the next 8 days so unless I somehow get access to a computer and feel like writing blogs that no one reads there will be no update on my marathon training nor this audiobook. What I will come back with is a couple of book wrap-ups since I plan on finally finishing both The Stone Sky and The Dark Defiles as well as a comprehensive review of the country of Colombia. I might try and somehow do a marathon training blog at some point next week because I feel like this week deserved at least some discussion but who knows. Moving on to The Dragon Reborn! Stay classy everybody.