Journey around the Wheel of Time

The Great Hunt Audiobook Update 3: Shooter’s Shoot

After successfully arguing my case for the sexual deviance of Rand al’Bore in last weeks blog, I thought to myself “You have peaked as a blogger.” Perhaps, but much like a crippled Kobe I will continue to limp my way through this despite all evidence telling me I’m washed. And similar to Kobe, SHOOTERS SHOOT. For the record Kobe and I have many differences too. It would be rude to point those out so don’t.

This week featured a lot of Aes Sedai shit. After Selene escaped a predator, we were treated to a little Moiraine and my main man Lan. Moiraine spends some time with the Golden Girls and trys to learn some shit, but it is her conversation with Lan that really gets us. At this point we kind of don’t know the deal with Moiraine and Lan, like are they bang buddies, did the swipe right on Tinder and decide to be friends, do either of them like each other’s Instagram posts from months back, it’s confusing. So it was illuminating to see that they just got a common goal in mind. Moiraine is an all-time mindfucker. Telling Lan he is getting his bond transferred so he won’t off himself, and dangling the possibility of Nynaeve getting that bond at some point is a classic Sedai scheme.

Imagine your wife being the person who has your bond, seems fucking miserable. You get asked to go do some menial thing like take out the trash (which is the most generic chore I could think of), you obviously say no because the Giants have the ball on the 15 and it’s 3rd and goal because of a holding penalty. We call that prime Saquon the Savior time. She compels you to do it. You miss the hurdle to stiff arm to extend the ball over the corner greatness. The worst. Just kidding, flag thrown on the play, hold on Sterling Shepard on the opposite side of the field. 3rd and 25.

You come home after a long day sharpening your sword and practicing forms, you remember that Timmy the Tinker was showing your wife some pottery. You walk into the bedroom and see Timmy tinkering your wife. You go to pull out that freshly sharpened sword but NOOO. She compels you to watch because she has a cuckolding fetish. You weep silent tears. She compels you to let Timmy tinker you because she’s finished and he still hasn’t found the one song of his dick. That’s the way of the leaf for ya.

So Nynaeve and Egwene finally get to the tower and meet Sheriam. Sheriam keeps trying to make Nynaeve a novice and Nynaeve pulls a Birdman and tells her to put some res’peck on my name. I am a sucker for those ring test chapters to be raised to novice, and the Nynaeve one is just so well done. Robert Jordan has some chapters that just hit differently, I get pulled in and remember when all the bullshit is going on how he can go from overdoing it to mastering it. I’m just realizing it seems a lot of these moments for me are the Nynaeve and Lan love saga. Just so well done. When she is forced to choose between the fake reality where she has everything she wants, Lan as her husband and restored to his glory, kids, the works and the bleakness that is the world she currently resides in, my heartstrings are just pulled. I may have started to tear up… I swear I am not a little bitch despite what the evidence points too.

I was worried I wouldn’t have anything to write about. Silly me. Happy Friday!

Journey around the Wheel of Time

The Great Hunt Audiobook Update 2: Rand getting Randy

At this point of the book, we have to question if Rand is more of sexual deviant then supposed savior of the world. Sure he doesn’t explicitly have sex, or like harass anyone or any of the other things that makes my judgement obvious, but it takes a little reading between the lines to really see it. I guess this deserves some context, and with that WELCOME TO THE AUDIOBOOK UPDATE.

Assuming you are still reading after that, let me be the first to say Happy Friday! I have been fortunate enough to avoid getting trapped in the murderous heat (mostly because I spend all day trapped in the gulag I call work) and though my electric bill is rising faster than a priest’s pecker in a preschool, there’s no way I could possibly go without some AC at night. Not looking forward to having to run Saturday and Sunday, I probably will get up early and try and bang out the long run tomorrow morning. Not that you care you are here to hear about what I have heard!

Well that is going to have to wait a paragraph or two because I am here to talk about some gear. Thanks to Amazon Prime Day, no free ads, I was able to get myself a Garmin Forerunner 235 for $140. I know that the Forerunner 245 has come out already and that attributes to Garmin trying to sell off their old models, but I am not a guy who needs my watch to do a whole bunch of different things, I just want an accurate GPS and a timer. The price is well worth it for the watch, I remember for Black Friday the watch cost $200. So using it for the first time this morning, I knew that this was well worth it. The watch made checking my distance so much easier than either checking my phone or waiting for the audio cues from Runkeeper. As someone who is highly obsessed with making sure the run goes over the actual distance, I always had to adjust the GPS map on Runkeeper. Inevitably I would find out I’m .2 miles short of my goal then trudge my ass up and down the sidewalk looking like one of the crackheads in Church Square Park. All in all, this is much easier.

Okay back to the book. The characters have had their split before they inevitably meet up at the end, like all good fantasy books should. The paths have been set, Egwene and Nynaeve are headed for the White Tower, Rand is trying to keep his dick in his pants while simultaneously lording over Loial and Hurin, and the hero and wolfboy are chilling with the Shienaran boyzzzzzzzzz.

A quick comment on Padan Fain, his paranoia talking to himself thing gets a little annoying at times, but him fucking up that Myddraal by skinning it in front of all his gang is badass. I can imagine that being absolutely gruesome and terrifying. Fear is effective. And frankly more fun to read about.

I love the way Nynaeve straight up disrespects the shit out of everyone. O you are the Amyrlin and everybody purses their lips to kiss your ass, fuckkkkk that I’m going to air throw you against a wall and show you I’m the real one. Just a boss ass bitch who takes no shit. All anyone needs to do to motivate her is tell her that if she trains eventually she will fuck them all up.

The hero and Perrin are choosing to stick to the mission, which is to get the horn back. Matt’s disdain for any magic power is inspiring, he is just the perfect character. He successfully ices out Rand because Rand was acting like an entitled lord, and when Rand tries to apologize Matt’s like helllll no don’t come near me with your magic madness ass. Characters who can get by in a world of magic without any magic always make me happy. I do enjoy Perrin as well, his personality is a little over the top with the humble blacksmith routine, but I love the wolf connection. He also is a house and I respect a unit when I see one.

But let’s get back to Rand the pervert. He meets this random girl named Selene and acts like he has never seen a hot girl before. Look that’s okay, Rand is a certified loser who already lost the girl he has a crush on, so it is to be expected that he is going to be a sucker for the next woman who flashes a little kneecap, but my god you are pathetic bro.

First off, he lies about his status as a lord and eattttts up the attention Selene gives him. The guy is literally fumbling for words. Pathetic. But it is the scene where he catches her trying to rob him that gets me. Let’s run through the things he says and I will leave the reader to draw their own conclusions.

“Unbidden, the thought came of Selene with no clothes. His face went red again.”

Bro, you just met the girl and you are already undressing her with your eyes. You haven’t even followed her on Instagram yet, where you can look at her in conspicuously angled pictures meant to draw your eye to her more prominent features where she is essentially naked and you don’t have to imagine anything. Also he completely disregards her when he questions how she knows all these things about Kirby’s Dreamland when Loial, a MAN, doesn’t even know it. Basically says that because she is a woman there is no way she could have read as much as Loial. Disgusting, no respect for her mind.

“It was not that he wanted to touch her, exactly-he reminded himself that he loved Egwene; he felt guilty at the need for reminding-but she was beautiful, and she though he was a lord, and she said he could be a great man.”

This one is just too much. Break it down, he said he wanted to touch her! Without even the pretense of dinner! Get the girl a cheeseburger first before trying to touch her buns. Despicable. You know what stops him, GUILT, guilt over the fact that he is going behind the back of the girl he is talking too, salivating over a girl he just met. He would have touched Selene if he didn’t think he would feel guilty. And the whole thing about being a Lord, Rand hasn’t even held any real power yet and he is already thinking about ways to use that power to manipulate innocent women to get laid. Thirsty ass Rand just another typical man who thinks because he has power he deserves to fuck whoever he wants. So shameful.

“He had put Nynaeve’s age to her-a handful of years older than himself-but he had been wrong, he realized. She was more his own age, and beautiful,”

“She seemed so cool and self-possessed, no older than he,”

“It was not as if he had never seen a girl’s legs before: girls in the Two Rivers always tied up their skirts to go wading in the Waterwood ponds. But they stopped doing it well before they were old enough to braid their hair, and this was in the dark besides.”

THREE COMENTS ABOUT HER AGE. This guy is the fucking worst, he tries to pull this shit in America he’s going straight to jail, or the head of a finance firm… Look he mentions how hot he thinks Selene is, but he can’t stop harping on the fact that she looks young, he is almost obsessed with it. When he sees Selene’s legs, his FIRST thought is about little girls in the river, and he remembers this fondly. I am going to let you draw your own conclusions, but the evidence piles up after a while. There is a reason this is an anti-Rand blog.

Final Notes: I just want to acknowledge the kind of mind it takes to listen to an audiobook while running, retain the information and form opinions, and latter write that stuff down. On top of that I am even able to find quotes that I recall hearing. Truly inspiring stuff.