Uncategorized

The Dragon Reborn Audiobook 5: Tear and things

I had to read last weeks rendition of the greatest audiobook recap of the Wheel of Time or audiobooks in general because so much happens towards the end of this book it was hard for me to remember where I ended and what I included. So without further ado, let’s dive in.

From what I can gather (I didn’t really read last weeks blog, that would be called preparation, and everyone knows preparation is the antithesis of success) from the subtitle, no one had made it to Tear since the last time we talked. Which gives me so much to pick and choose.

I think it is fantastic how individually Nynaeve, Egwene, and Elayne can accomplish so many different things, but when they are together they constantly get duped or fall into easy traps. Case in point, them once again getting kidnapped, this time at least the Black Ajah did it. So these dumbasses go to stay with this old toad wise woman and within one night get bundled by Liandrin and gang. Like how dumb do you have to be to get kidnapped a mere week after getting . . . wait for it . . . kidnapped. Say I get in the van offering me candy as a child and I am justttttt about to get the old molestation pecker before I am miraculously saved. Next time I am walking down the street, you best believe I am looking every which way making sure no one is offering me candy. If the ice cream man so much as looks my direction I am running like I am Golden Tate burning that Pats corner last night when he turned around to make sure he was good (and gloat a little). Dumb and dumber and dumbest.

Who the fuck you think has to save these idiots? You guessed it, the hero of the Wheel of Time, my idol, Matrim Motherfucking Cauthon. This guy is the epitome of class, fresh off of murdering the dude sent from Caemlyn by Lord Gaebril after out-gambling the dude, Mat enters hero mode. He practically has to drag Thom to a wise woman, first off saving him, before he finds out the terrible trio got bundled. Wasting NO time, he saunters off to the stone of Tear to begin operation rescue. He then almost whips up on some Aiel who sneak up on him and basically does the fantasy version of a flash bang grenade by setting of some fireworks, anddddd takes down a bunch of High Lords of Tear in one-on-one combat using a quarterstaff. The best. Only quote I am including in this blog:

The man in the gold-striped coat sneered. “You will be honored to die on the blade of the High Lord Darlin, peasant, if I allow it so.” It was the first time he had deigned to speak. “Instead, I think I will have the pair of you hung by the heels, and watch while the skin is stripped from your bodies-”

“I do not think I’d like that,” Mat said.

So Perrin has got a lot on his plate. First he has to deal with Moiraine telling him what to do, then he decides that he would enjoy nothing more than just blacksmithing for the hell of it. The chapter where he just walks into a blacksmiths smitthy and starts working with no conversation is just peak Perrin. The guy loves manual labor. While he is working he has to deal with creepy ass Faile borderline sexually harassing him at the workplace. And the girl has the nerve to get trapped in World of Dreams. Perrin teams up with fan favorite Hopper and gets to chomping. Love it.

Lastly I will end with Rand al’Snore. I ended with him about to duel with Be’lal. SOOOOOO interesting. Book recap will with no doubt be coming next Friday.

Final Notes: Last night for the first time in a while I felt like the Giants had a realistic chance at beating an elite team. Then they didn’t. The over hit though.

Journey around the Wheel of Time

The Dragon Reborn Audiobook Update 4: All roads lead to Tear

Today is Friday and everyone knows Fridays are for updating the world on an audiobook I exclusively listen to while exercising. The journey around the Wheel of Time has been quite the thrill, the sweet sounds of Michael Kramer and Kate Reading have blessed my eardrums with nothing but the highest quality fantasy this forlorn world has to offer.

That opening paragraph was the blogging version of repeating the question to stall for time. The problem with doing all those Mat quotes last week was I kind of forgot where I left off so this recap is without a doubt going to be out-of-order with a heavy focus on recency.

Lets start with ya boy Perrin. Perrin is not what we would call your traditional ladies man. Sure the boy is a good looking meat monster, but his soft ass beta attitude directly impacts his ability to capitalize. He rolls in on Moraine half dressed and the dude just wants to talk. She even goes so far as to drop a hint, saying something along the lines of “you are a good looking man” or some other coy Aes Sedai flirting technique and the dude is just stuck in his own head. O well Zarine Bashere enters the picture, so Perrin’s non-player days are pretty much over at this point anyway.

I would like to talk about Perrin’s clear highlight of the book. Look Perrin puts in that fucking work, no one would ever call the guy a bitch, and there are a few times in this book in particular when he goes green-eggs-and-ham on some fucking clowns. The first was when he smoked that Myrddraal with the ax, sure the woman he was trying to protect died but that is irrelevant, the actual fight was hardddddd.

So in Remen two hunters of the horn have captured an Aiel man, later revealed as Gaul, and left him in a cage in the town square. Perrin springs the dude from the trap when they encounter a group of whitecloaks. I fucking love the Aiel sometimes, that whole wrapping the black cloth around their faces thing and dropping dope one-liners gets me every time. True to form Gaul drops an all timer “Do you like to dance, Perrin Aybara” and then the two of them absolutely slaughter the whitecloaks. I know Perrin hates killing but damn that is a fun read.

This is getting long so I guess I will have to do some highlights. Nynaeve, Elayne and Egwene meet the maidens of the spear and we get introduced to Aviendha (no way I will ever remember how to spell that). Unsurprisingly get nabbed again and are being sold to a couple of Myrddraal when the Aiel come and save them. At this point the Aiel have completely massacred all the dark friends, and they have the two Myrddraal surrounded. Now it’s mentioned 9,000,000 times how Myrddraal scare the shit out of everyone, but the Aiel are taunting them with classic barbs and completely humiliating these evil ghost ghoul things.

As they circled, the Aiel drummed their spears against their small hide bucklers. Thrum-thrum-THRUM-thrum . . . thrum-thrum-THRUM-thrum . . . thrum-thrum-THRUM-thrum. The Myrddraal turned with them, and their eyeless faces seemed uncertain, uneasy that the fear their gaze struck into every human heart did not seem to touch these.
“Dance with me, Shadowman,” one of the Aiel called suddenly, tauntingly. He sounded like a young man.

So fucking badass. Aiel are awesome.

I want to close this with an update on the hero of the story. Mat delivers a letter to Morgase, who he thinks about dancing with just thought it was important to add that the man has the confidence to try and get with the Queen, and is mad at Gaebril for kind of demeaning him and planning to kill Elayne, Egwene and Nynaeve and drops a classic.

“What’s this, lad? Coin?” “Stakes.”Gaebril doesn’t know it, but he and I have a wager.” The cat jumped down as Mat picked up the wooden dive cup and spun the dice out on the table. Five sixes. “And I always win.”

Happy Friday!

Final Notes: This is going to seem like bullshit, but I actually bet the Rams at +1.5 last night and of course didn’t write about it. Proof is here:

Journey around the Wheel of Time

The Dragon Reborn Audiobook Update 3: It’s the return of the Mat(ck)

One morning this fine week I woke up and realized that the summer had officially passed us by. The muggy atrocity that was this summer’s weather was a thing of the past. Aggressive sunlight burning the poor crown of my head was no more. A slight chill in the air made me regret my choice of running attire, as my nipples turned to glass cutters and got rubber raw like Bob Kraft in a Jupiter massage parlor. Cue the joke drums. While the end of summer is usually a sad time for me, as I am just a summer child, there was something I knew would brighten up the day. For I am at the part in The Dragon Reborn where our hero has returned to us. I am of course talking about Matrim Cauthon.

The meddling Aes Sedai perform the only healing that brings me bliss. They separate Mat from the dagger of Shadar Logoth. But Mat doesn’t just get healed like no bitch, he drops some fucking bars on those annoying ass clucking hens. And with that I present my next edition of great quotes.

” ‘I am a free man, Aes Sedai. I am no Aes Sedai meat.’ That is what he said.”

As your boy is getting healed, he wants to let them know what the fucking deal is. He is noones bitch. They may heal him, but they don’t own him. Such a power move to be on the brink of death and be talking shit as people are saving him Aes Sedai – -100000 Mat – 1

A visit with them, a day to see the city, perhaps a game with the dice to pad out his purse, and then he would be off for somewhere where there were no Aes Sedai.

At this point Mat has been awake for a total of five minutes before he starts thinking about stacking those golden marks. He has three things on his planner: reluctantly say bye to his hometown friends, see the city, and get to gambling. The boy was born to get that bread so he wakes up thinking about the money. In the immortal words of Gudda Gudda “Okay I wake up in the morning brush my teeth and count the money.” I have no doubt this line was in direct reference to Mat.

“Not your marks,” Mat said, shoving them in his coat pocket, “mine.”

There are some chapters that I vividly remember when I read this series, the chapter where Mat whips Galad and Gawyn while sparring is one of them. It is an all time chapter and truly shows why I am a Mat stan . So Mat just gets denied by a girl I won’t mention since she passed on our hero and sees these two royal scrubs sparring with the warders. Mat gets this great idea in his head, I can beat these clowns senseless and get paid to do it. Of course since the women are watching he wants to put on a show. He talks mad shit to them, goading them until the head Warder sets up the match. The stakes are 2 silver marks from both of them to 2 silver marks from Mat. Mat goes to work on them, embarrassing the hell out of Galad and Gawyn as they fight him with practice swords against his quarterstaff. When Gawyn hands over the money, Mat lets him know who calls the shots, not your dough boyyyyyyyy it’s mine.

After rummaging a bit, he brought out two silver pennies from his pocket. One more than paid for the wine, but he slipped her another for her eyes. “My friend will be joining me.”

I think I will finish this up with the quote above. Starting to run a little long. Mat finally gets to gambling and goes on an absolute heater. Kind of the exact opposite of me and Thursday Night Football bets. Fuck you Aaron Rodgers. Mat has acquired major stacks, and sure he kills a man, when he heads in to a bar and sees the legend Thom. Sitting at a table, he shows his generosity by giving the server a biggg tip. Listen Mat is a ladies man, the dude gets it. He didn’t give her an extra silver mark because she had buxom chest (is that #metoo proof?) he complimented her eyes. Classy move, classy man. Also he bought a drink for his boy, respect.

So ends a ridiculously long blog. I know I skipped this last week but I was in Florida so I apologize for nothing. I will apologize for the last update because I started two consecutive paragraphs with ‘So’. Sloppy, I made sure to save that particular paragraph starter for the last one. Once again fuck Aaron Rodgers. Till next week…

Journey around the Wheel of Time

The Dragon Reborn Audiobook Update 1: Prelude and Perrin

Hard to imagine that I am on book three of this Wheel of Time journey. But for real it actually feels like I should be on book 234 by now. I mean for 60% of my runs I listen to these audiobooks and based on the other weekly series of this blog, Marathon Monday’s (on Tuesday’s), one would think that I would fly through these things. But you forget that these books are god damn enormous. Also maybe I don’t run that much. Just kidding it’s never my fault. Also that statistic is totally made up. Stats are for nerds. Unless they prove my point.

So intro out of the way, I am on to The Dragon Reborn. Easily one of the better titles of the series. By titles I literally mean the title of the book, I forget if this is one of the good ones. Because as of right now, we got teenage angst Rand, who is pulling his best Antonio Brown impression and just refusing to cooperate. Like when I was listening to the Perrin chapter and it is going something along the lines of Perrin saying “if you know Morraine is right, why are you being such a disagreeable little bitch” I envisioned Tyrell Williams saying this exact thing to Antonio Brown about Mike Mayock. I promise I did not know another Raider WR of the top of my head and had to look that up. I know I said I refuse to do research but I also made up that declaration.

On the topic of research, this book has a great chance to be enjoyable due to the simple fact that 2.4% of the book is Rand’s POV. That one is not made up, I pulled it from that WoT wiki. I would count this as a blessing, as already Perrin sees right through Rand’s bitchassness and starts taking charge by hitting on all the women that are into Rand. He is playing the friend/confidant role to Min, trying to get in her good graces so that when she needs a shoulder to cry on about ol’ Randy, Perrin can slide up in them tomboy cheeks. Lanfear even smells how soft Rand is and tries to throw her hat in the mix of being in the Perrin pack. I had another word to throw in that sick alliteration but that crosses a line even for me.

I may have mentioned before that the prelude chapters are some of the best chapters in the series and this prelude is no exception. The concept of the Children of the Light is one of the more interesting concepts of the book. Here they are just super anti-magic so they go around essentially trying to bully everyone under the guise of trying to keep people pure. It’s an awesome militant group that adds a kind of predictable yet entertaining third hat in the ring. Pedron Niall is a fun character. His little quest for glory revels a lot about the inner workings of the Children and kind of mirrors the Forsaken in their individual motivations taking precedence over the fake one-for-all goal.

Final Notes: Yes I watched the game last night. If you bet with me you are dumb. Go Giants! I know I did zero book reviews and I didn’t do my vaunted country review. O well.

Journey around the Wheel of Time

The Great Hunt Audiobook Wrap-up

A long, long journey has finally come to its conclusion. Just kidding I think I still have twelve audiobooks to go. Which is great because I am struggling to come up with content and need the distraction from the misery of my daily life. Also the audiobooks are solid.

Welcome to the Friday blog series of one man’s journey to listen to all 14 audiobooks of The Wheel of Time while simultaneously training for a marathon. The Venn diagram of people who have attempted such a remarkable feat are two separate circles. Credit to me.

The Great Hunt is a tale of one man’s attempt to steal something that doesn’t belong to him and a hero named Mat bravely stepping in to take possession of it. Another hero, Ingtar, makes a valiant effort to eliminate this creep by playing an integral role in trying to assassinate him. This swine of the earth is of course the moody, ever complaining, miserable sack of shit known as Rand al’Bore.

The Great Hunt is an excellent sequel to the first book. It advances the characters enough to leave plenty of room for growth, without having their character arcs go past the point of interest. Idk that was a pretty boring recap. Let’s talk fighting and fucking.

So the big final battle of The Great Hunt is a weird ghost fight between Rand and Ba’alzamon that is just a terrible event that Rand unfortunately comes out the victor. If we are in the trust tree I have to admit that these like magical showdowns are soooooo boring. Especially considering this is kind of the way the first book ended, it just feels like there are a lot of different options for this final battle scene. Does there have to be an enormous god-like showdown? This is Rand’s second one-on-one fight in the last 100 pages (I think but idk because I’m listening to it) so it just seems like we could have lived without it. Either way it happened and spoiler alert, Rand wins! Terrible

What is awesome is that the blower of the horn is Min (I ain’t talking about the Horn of Valere folks). But also cool is Mat blowing the horn and summoning your boy Artur Hawkwing. Artur drops a few gems about Rand being the Dragon Reborn then he and ghost gang fuck up the Seanchan after they finish putting a beating on the Whiteblokes. That also is not very fun because it is a foregone conclusion. Birgitte Silverbow makes her appearance here and I forget when she gets stuck as a real person like a Pinocchio thing but maybe it happens then? Whatever its time to save Mat already.

In my own conclusion, I regret to inform my zero readers that I will be in the great country of Colombia for the next 8 days so unless I somehow get access to a computer and feel like writing blogs that no one reads there will be no update on my marathon training nor this audiobook. What I will come back with is a couple of book wrap-ups since I plan on finally finishing both The Stone Sky and The Dark Defiles as well as a comprehensive review of the country of Colombia. I might try and somehow do a marathon training blog at some point next week because I feel like this week deserved at least some discussion but who knows. Moving on to The Dragon Reborn! Stay classy everybody.

Journey around the Wheel of Time

The Great Hunt Audiobook Update 3: Shooter’s Shoot

After successfully arguing my case for the sexual deviance of Rand al’Bore in last weeks blog, I thought to myself “You have peaked as a blogger.” Perhaps, but much like a crippled Kobe I will continue to limp my way through this despite all evidence telling me I’m washed. And similar to Kobe, SHOOTERS SHOOT. For the record Kobe and I have many differences too. It would be rude to point those out so don’t.

This week featured a lot of Aes Sedai shit. After Selene escaped a predator, we were treated to a little Moiraine and my main man Lan. Moiraine spends some time with the Golden Girls and trys to learn some shit, but it is her conversation with Lan that really gets us. At this point we kind of don’t know the deal with Moiraine and Lan, like are they bang buddies, did the swipe right on Tinder and decide to be friends, do either of them like each other’s Instagram posts from months back, it’s confusing. So it was illuminating to see that they just got a common goal in mind. Moiraine is an all-time mindfucker. Telling Lan he is getting his bond transferred so he won’t off himself, and dangling the possibility of Nynaeve getting that bond at some point is a classic Sedai scheme.

Imagine your wife being the person who has your bond, seems fucking miserable. You get asked to go do some menial thing like take out the trash (which is the most generic chore I could think of), you obviously say no because the Giants have the ball on the 15 and it’s 3rd and goal because of a holding penalty. We call that prime Saquon the Savior time. She compels you to do it. You miss the hurdle to stiff arm to extend the ball over the corner greatness. The worst. Just kidding, flag thrown on the play, hold on Sterling Shepard on the opposite side of the field. 3rd and 25.

You come home after a long day sharpening your sword and practicing forms, you remember that Timmy the Tinker was showing your wife some pottery. You walk into the bedroom and see Timmy tinkering your wife. You go to pull out that freshly sharpened sword but NOOO. She compels you to watch because she has a cuckolding fetish. You weep silent tears. She compels you to let Timmy tinker you because she’s finished and he still hasn’t found the one song of his dick. That’s the way of the leaf for ya.

So Nynaeve and Egwene finally get to the tower and meet Sheriam. Sheriam keeps trying to make Nynaeve a novice and Nynaeve pulls a Birdman and tells her to put some res’peck on my name. I am a sucker for those ring test chapters to be raised to novice, and the Nynaeve one is just so well done. Robert Jordan has some chapters that just hit differently, I get pulled in and remember when all the bullshit is going on how he can go from overdoing it to mastering it. I’m just realizing it seems a lot of these moments for me are the Nynaeve and Lan love saga. Just so well done. When she is forced to choose between the fake reality where she has everything she wants, Lan as her husband and restored to his glory, kids, the works and the bleakness that is the world she currently resides in, my heartstrings are just pulled. I may have started to tear up… I swear I am not a little bitch despite what the evidence points too.

I was worried I wouldn’t have anything to write about. Silly me. Happy Friday!

Journey around the Wheel of Time

The Great Hunt Audiobook Update 2: Rand getting Randy

At this point of the book, we have to question if Rand is more of sexual deviant then supposed savior of the world. Sure he doesn’t explicitly have sex, or like harass anyone or any of the other things that makes my judgement obvious, but it takes a little reading between the lines to really see it. I guess this deserves some context, and with that WELCOME TO THE AUDIOBOOK UPDATE.

Assuming you are still reading after that, let me be the first to say Happy Friday! I have been fortunate enough to avoid getting trapped in the murderous heat (mostly because I spend all day trapped in the gulag I call work) and though my electric bill is rising faster than a priest’s pecker in a preschool, there’s no way I could possibly go without some AC at night. Not looking forward to having to run Saturday and Sunday, I probably will get up early and try and bang out the long run tomorrow morning. Not that you care you are here to hear about what I have heard!

Well that is going to have to wait a paragraph or two because I am here to talk about some gear. Thanks to Amazon Prime Day, no free ads, I was able to get myself a Garmin Forerunner 235 for $140. I know that the Forerunner 245 has come out already and that attributes to Garmin trying to sell off their old models, but I am not a guy who needs my watch to do a whole bunch of different things, I just want an accurate GPS and a timer. The price is well worth it for the watch, I remember for Black Friday the watch cost $200. So using it for the first time this morning, I knew that this was well worth it. The watch made checking my distance so much easier than either checking my phone or waiting for the audio cues from Runkeeper. As someone who is highly obsessed with making sure the run goes over the actual distance, I always had to adjust the GPS map on Runkeeper. Inevitably I would find out I’m .2 miles short of my goal then trudge my ass up and down the sidewalk looking like one of the crackheads in Church Square Park. All in all, this is much easier.

Okay back to the book. The characters have had their split before they inevitably meet up at the end, like all good fantasy books should. The paths have been set, Egwene and Nynaeve are headed for the White Tower, Rand is trying to keep his dick in his pants while simultaneously lording over Loial and Hurin, and the hero and wolfboy are chilling with the Shienaran boyzzzzzzzzz.

A quick comment on Padan Fain, his paranoia talking to himself thing gets a little annoying at times, but him fucking up that Myddraal by skinning it in front of all his gang is badass. I can imagine that being absolutely gruesome and terrifying. Fear is effective. And frankly more fun to read about.

I love the way Nynaeve straight up disrespects the shit out of everyone. O you are the Amyrlin and everybody purses their lips to kiss your ass, fuckkkkk that I’m going to air throw you against a wall and show you I’m the real one. Just a boss ass bitch who takes no shit. All anyone needs to do to motivate her is tell her that if she trains eventually she will fuck them all up.

The hero and Perrin are choosing to stick to the mission, which is to get the horn back. Matt’s disdain for any magic power is inspiring, he is just the perfect character. He successfully ices out Rand because Rand was acting like an entitled lord, and when Rand tries to apologize Matt’s like helllll no don’t come near me with your magic madness ass. Characters who can get by in a world of magic without any magic always make me happy. I do enjoy Perrin as well, his personality is a little over the top with the humble blacksmith routine, but I love the wolf connection. He also is a house and I respect a unit when I see one.

But let’s get back to Rand the pervert. He meets this random girl named Selene and acts like he has never seen a hot girl before. Look that’s okay, Rand is a certified loser who already lost the girl he has a crush on, so it is to be expected that he is going to be a sucker for the next woman who flashes a little kneecap, but my god you are pathetic bro.

First off, he lies about his status as a lord and eattttts up the attention Selene gives him. The guy is literally fumbling for words. Pathetic. But it is the scene where he catches her trying to rob him that gets me. Let’s run through the things he says and I will leave the reader to draw their own conclusions.

“Unbidden, the thought came of Selene with no clothes. His face went red again.”

Bro, you just met the girl and you are already undressing her with your eyes. You haven’t even followed her on Instagram yet, where you can look at her in conspicuously angled pictures meant to draw your eye to her more prominent features where she is essentially naked and you don’t have to imagine anything. Also he completely disregards her when he questions how she knows all these things about Kirby’s Dreamland when Loial, a MAN, doesn’t even know it. Basically says that because she is a woman there is no way she could have read as much as Loial. Disgusting, no respect for her mind.

“It was not that he wanted to touch her, exactly-he reminded himself that he loved Egwene; he felt guilty at the need for reminding-but she was beautiful, and she though he was a lord, and she said he could be a great man.”

This one is just too much. Break it down, he said he wanted to touch her! Without even the pretense of dinner! Get the girl a cheeseburger first before trying to touch her buns. Despicable. You know what stops him, GUILT, guilt over the fact that he is going behind the back of the girl he is talking too, salivating over a girl he just met. He would have touched Selene if he didn’t think he would feel guilty. And the whole thing about being a Lord, Rand hasn’t even held any real power yet and he is already thinking about ways to use that power to manipulate innocent women to get laid. Thirsty ass Rand just another typical man who thinks because he has power he deserves to fuck whoever he wants. So shameful.

“He had put Nynaeve’s age to her-a handful of years older than himself-but he had been wrong, he realized. She was more his own age, and beautiful,”

“She seemed so cool and self-possessed, no older than he,”

“It was not as if he had never seen a girl’s legs before: girls in the Two Rivers always tied up their skirts to go wading in the Waterwood ponds. But they stopped doing it well before they were old enough to braid their hair, and this was in the dark besides.”

THREE COMENTS ABOUT HER AGE. This guy is the fucking worst, he tries to pull this shit in America he’s going straight to jail, or the head of a finance firm… Look he mentions how hot he thinks Selene is, but he can’t stop harping on the fact that she looks young, he is almost obsessed with it. When he sees Selene’s legs, his FIRST thought is about little girls in the river, and he remembers this fondly. I am going to let you draw your own conclusions, but the evidence piles up after a while. There is a reason this is an anti-Rand blog.

Final Notes: I just want to acknowledge the kind of mind it takes to listen to an audiobook while running, retain the information and form opinions, and latter write that stuff down. On top of that I am even able to find quotes that I recall hearing. Truly inspiring stuff.