Race Reviews

9th Annual Memorial Cardiac & Vascular Institute Fort Lauderdale Turkey Trot Race Review

Date: Thursday, November 28th, 2019

Distance: 3.1 Miles

Location: Ft. Lauderdale, Florida

Time: Who cares?

Every time I run a turkey trot I always think about that stupid meme that shames people just trying to better themselves and give back to great causes. What do you hate fitness? Do you hate charity? Don’t fit shame me.

For real though as someone whose blog is 50% about his own runs it is obvious that I would be a participant in a turkey trot. What I was pleasantly surprised with this year was that I was joined by my two sisters. For my older sister this was her first race, and she specifically started running just for it. This shows that I am slowly morphing the people around me into doing the things that I enjoy. Or that my sister took on an awesome challenge and did a great job. Either way I ran it.

Lets talk about the gear briefly. In short, I am unimpressed. The t-shirt is ass. Why anyone gives a white t-shirt for anything always blows my mind but as a running shirt there could not be a lower effort more useless piece of swag. I mean the race is in fucking Florida, if I wore that shirt for 15 seconds outside you would see every follicle of nipple hair on my masculine, animalistic (gross) chest. Though cartoon turkeys make me laugh so I guess it isn’t all bad. As I write this I am also realizing that for like 5 more dollars I could have gotten a dri-fit shirt and then maybe I would not be complaining. That’s on me dog.

I have lamented in the past about the misery that is Florida running but in this case the race was so early that it really wasn’t an issue. It also helps that it was a short run but whatever. What was hot in both the heat sense and the sexually attractive sense were these fire ass turkey hats we wore.

As you can see from the lovely picture above I have a hella ugly family. Also that the race took place on the street that is right on the beach, so we were treated to a great view. The race itself was solidly organized, they had day of registration and had water at the 1 mile and 2.5 mile marks. The race was willlllld packed, if you look at the picture below you can see where the race was supposed to start, and how many people were just swarming the start line. I actually thought that was kind of funny.

To wrap up this semi boring review I will say that I had a blast running this thing. I was on vacation in Florida and traded 30 degree shit weather for 80 degree glory so no matter what that was a win. The race itself, while a little on the disorganized side was a nice relaxing run with excellent energy that didn’t take itself serious at all. I mean its a fucking turkey trot, if you can’t have fun doing that your friends prob hate you. Shout out to Jenna for running this thing, she literally started running just to do this with me and my younger sister. My younger sister finishing the whole thing with that fucking hat on was equal parts impressive and possible serial killer. That was pretty cool.

Final Notes: Got into the American Airlines Half-Marathon so expect a revival of the (Half) Marathon Mondays blog series.

Race Reviews

NYRR Queens 10k Race Review

Date: Saturday, June 15th 2019

Distance: 10 km

Location: Queens, NY (Flushing Park)

Time: 0:48:26

With the doldrums of the workweek beginning it’s time to recap the weekend festivities in an ode to reliving the glory days and keeping our minds firmly in the past. I am told looking backwards is the key to progress, it is also a great strategy to do while running. Give it a try and let me know how it goes.

This Saturday I was one of the 11,852 participants in the Queens 10k and I would like to bless you all with my much sought after opinions on the event. After setting the bar way too high by doing my last race report (I want to call these race reports but I think ‘review’ is better SEO practice. IDK though because I didn’t pay for the better version of Wordpress) this is coming a couple of days after. I would offer apologies but I am not offering apologies. I would also like to state on the record the importance of keeping your expectations at the bare minimum required to remain somewhat not miserable, and you will always have your expectations exceeded. This is fundamental to your boss evaluating your job performance, your family asking for help at the family event, and most importantly your significant others expecations for your sexual performance. So strive to get all those people on board with this philosophy and make mediocrity great again!

The Queens 10k took place in lovely Flushing Park, where we were treated to beautiful sites of dying grass in untended fields, the cracked concrete of abandoned parking lots, some weird polluted lake that has a creepy island with a door on it, and that tennis stadium that hangs off of Citi Field like an untreated hemorrhoid. Flushing Park is to Central Park what Queens is to Manhattan, which is the sibling that is just a little sloppier and worse at everything then the golden child. Your parents may say they love all their children the same but in your heart you know the truth.

My goal for the race was to shoot for 47 minutes, and similar to my attempts at writing witty and engrossing race reviews I fell short of the mark. I would like to place all the blame on external factors in order to escape culpability so here are the things that caused me to fail in no particular order:

  1. Global warming. The earth was all hot and shit forcing me to take an extra water break a mere half mile after my first one. This had nothing to do with the fact that I was dehydrated due to poor hydration planning and eating crumb cake a mere 40 minutes before the race. Nor the fact that it actually wasn’t that hot and kind of cloudy. Nope the earth is getting hotter and it messed me up.
  2. The protests in Hong Kong. The extradition policies of the Chinese Special Administrative Region is often on my mind and to see things devolve into such chaos left me no room to calculate my times as I passed the clocks. I simply do not have the mental capacity to do basic math while running and think about why Hong Kong is independent of China. Shame Shame.
  3.  Richard K. Morgan. See my previous blogs for further clarification.

So I think that shows just why I should not be held responsible for not achieving my goals. As for the course itself, despite not being the most eye catching of courses, it is actually relatively flat and though there were some sharp turns and one bridge, it was a solid course for a 10k. There is one part where you run around that giant globe thingy around mile 5 and it blocked out the sun so perfectly. It was such a relief because before that you are in the sun for a bit so when I got too that part it kind of charged me up. That globe is cool as shit, and is also the perfect Instagram spot, as Nathalie was quick to take advantage off. The picture I have is actually of the sunny side, but whatever imagine being on the other side of the thing if you have an issue with it.

The swag bag was pretty standard, the tank is, well here’s a picture of it all so I don’t really need to explain it. The tank is pretty damn comfortable. I would be remiss if I did not mention there were no bee power waffles. Points off for that.

All in all I actually had a great time at the race, I set a PR so while I did fail progress is slow. That’s the motto of the perpetual underachiever. The course was a lot of fun and I didn’t have to take a train there because I got a ride, automatically improving the race. NYRR here is some more unsolicited advice, just give me a ride both ways and I will love the race. 20 weeks to the marathon. Stay working hard everyone. Here the obligatory picture of me. Notice that my head is not peeling like a prisoner of the Boltons.

Final Notes: Noted enemy of the blog Lebron James successfully manipulated another organization into mortgaging their future because Lebron is incapable of winning a championship on his own. How could he not win with noted superstars Lonzo Ball and Josh Hart and 3 first round picks to be named later? Coward.

Race Reviews

NYRR 1 for You 1 for Youth 5K Race Review

Date: Wednesday, June 5, 2019

Distance: 5 km

Location: New York, NY (Central Park)

Time: IDK like 30 minutes

First and foremost I would like to say Happy Global Running Day to all my fellow runners. In a society that glorifies made up holidays sometimes it’s easier to just give in and go with it. Looks good on social media and honestly isn’t that the only thing we all care about? It didn’t occur to me why this race was on a Wednesday until that guy with the silky smooth voice on the PA system mentioned it while we were waiting for the thing to start in our race corral. That whole thing had me super confused but I thought this would be an easy way to get my Wednesday morning run in and add another 1 to the 9 + 1 NYRR scheme. I have used Wednesday four times in this paragraph, not once have I spelled it correctly on the first try. Shout out to spell check you a real one.

So made up holiday aside, the point of this race was to promote New Balance, I mean to do some charity work. What that terrible name for a race is supposed to imply is that everyone who signed up for the race got a pair of New Balance Fresh Foam Zante Pursuit’s and New Balance donated a pair of sneakers to kids in need. I may make fun of a lot of things, including this, but it is really cool that they gave those kids sneakers. The sneakers are awesome too, I added them to my three sneaker rotation as my light run sneaker and so far they have been great. Not sure if they would hold up on a long run, but fuck it they look good which for a short run is all that matters.

As for the race, it didn’t seem to be a particularly crowded race which was a nice change of pace for a typical NYRR race. Since the thing started at 7am and was only a 5K, I imagine that unless you lived in Manhattan this wasn’t really worth it. I may have bitched about this before, but I don’t live in Manhattan so as usual it was not very convenient. I did hop on the ol’ PATH and take a subway to Bryant Park where I ran to the race start on 83rd so at least I was able to parlay the race into a good training day. I may have been gassed, but I have no complaints it was my choice to do a race before work.

 The race itself was a breeze, the whole course seemed like it was going downhill. Apparently we ran up the notorious Harlem hill but it didn’t seem bad. At the end of the race I was saying that I thought the whole thing was downhill and some old British lady overheard (i.e. eavesdropped) and gave me her thoughts on it. She did not agree with my assessment to say the least. Suck it up it was 3.2 miles. It’s that type of attitude that lost you the states in the first place. Even our fat guys whip up on the soft ass English, look at Andy Ruiz. He might be my new obsession, if I was a young decently attractive 18 to 21 year old with insecurities about my ability to have a social life and wanted to pay for a friend group, I would even go so far as to look and Andy Ruiz and give my thoughts on him with the ever so poignant #Goals.

I didn’t eat breakfast (meaning not a big breakfast) so the after race snacks were a life saver. Grabbed myself a bagel, an apple, and some of those bee Belgium waffle things and started hauling ass down 7th Ave. If you saw a jackass running with a race bib on through one of the most crowded streets in the country around 8am with a giant bulge in his pocket eating a bagel, congrats you saw me! The bulge was an apple don’t be a perv. Its 2019 though so even if I was aroused don’t dick shame me.

All in all pretty happy I woke up for this. I don’t smell like shit at work and left clothes here yesterday so that’s a plus. Didn’t bring a belt though. Let’s hope for the best.

I went the entire blog without mentioning how brave and strong I am for writing this the same day I did the race. I am not looking for applause or to be lauded for this achievement. But recognize greatness when you see it. O yea obligatory race picture will appear at the end. Thanks Nat for always managing to look great even drenched in sweat looking like you just carried a jug of water on your head through the fields. And also for looking at the camera instead of at the button like my dumbass.

Final Notes: No idea who is going to win tonight. Don’t even know the spread, but I am thinking of going against what I have been doing and betting on the Raptors. I can’t stop laughing thinking about that story of Kawhi’s trash talk. Not going to link it so if you made it this far just go look it up. Such a fucking weirdo. I think I am going to incorporate his style into my running, so every time I run past someone I’ll mumble “pass” or “pace man gets paid.”

Race Reviews

City Manager’s 10-Mile Race to Remember Race Review

Date: Sunday May 26th, 2019

Distance: 10 Miles

Location: Long Beach, NY

Time: 1:34:42

Fresh off the heels of the Brooklyn Half I ran the City Manager’s 10-Mile Race to Remember in the beautiful city? (I mean a city in the Long Island sense of the term) of Long Beach for a nice 10 miler. No goal in mind which was a good thing because it was at least 400 degrees and I am not sure PRing was going to happen. I was still also feeling the damage of having done the Brooklyn Half. Not damage in terms of soreness, but if posting a picture of myself last race review revealed anything besides the fact that I’m looking low key jacked up, I am also bald as a cue ball. My dome got torchhhhed. Like peeling all week torched. Like wear a hat to work torched because the three seconds of sun I see on the walk from Herald Square to my job is too much. Like I wore my tank top as a durag for a solid 3 miles before I gave up on even trying. Always thought it looked gross when old dudes had bald skulls with different colored skin. Well I learned that it is not that hard to have happen. Not a great look.

There is a reason for it. First poor planning. But second is that I hate running with a hat. Style wise it looks way better, and while normally I only care about looking good, my head just starts overheating. Same reason I hate using sunscreen on my egg head. Clogs my pores, or at least I think that is what happens, and I overheat and sweat straight sunscreen into my eyes. I think my biggest injury from the race on Sunday was my eyes were stinging. Point being, this is way too long to complain about being bald.

This was my third time doing this race so I am really familiar with it. In fact this was the first race me and my gf ran together, yes you are allowed to go “Awwwww” here. It also was the longest I had ran at that point of my life. As a local race goes the course itself is not too original. It kind of zig zags back and forth, but Long Beach is a cool, gorgeous area so that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The highlight of the race is the two miles of boardwalk between miles 3 to 5. You get to experience one of the best boardwalks on Long Island with an incredible view of the water without having to look over the gross ass people that go to Jones Beach. The rest of the race winds through neighborhoods, some of the roads are pretty narrow but I kind of liked that. Though there were a few people biking on those streets, you got to be a real loser to bike on a narrow street that a bunch of people are running on, there are 8 million different roads you can take your bike and you choose to weave through people.

In terms of amenities, the end of the race has an awesome, all time spread. Easily one of my favorites. There are no swag bags at the end, instead at the end there is a million bakery goods, some hotdogs, Gatorades and water bottles. I might be missing some stuff, but any race that has baked goods at the end is already an amazing race. I grabbed myself a blue Gatorade and glazed doughnut and was instantly a significantly happier person. TAKE NOTE have bakery goods at the end of your race. The shirt was a change from the prior years, it fit me a little weird but I think that it probably fits the general population better. It’s a hard cotton shirt but the design is cool, a good blogger would have a picture of the shirt ready to go, so I will do my best next time. It was blue so use your imagination.

So the part no one cares about, my performance. I ran it in 1:34:42. Nat and I were running with another couple, who were running their first race together (can you believe the coincidence!!!!!!!!!!!! So cute I’m going to regurgitate that glazed doughnut) so we stuck with them for a little bit and I went solo dolo around mile 3. I hung out with my sister who was nice enough to come watch, nothing to do with her also going to the beach, for a few minutes. Lots of excuses for this run. Might as well mention again it was as hot as the Seven Cities in MBotF. For reference I ran this race in 1:25 during a monsoon last year. Haters going to hate.

FINAL NOTES: Keep your hair. Warriors in 6.

Race Reviews

Popular Brooklyn Half Marathon Race Review

It’s funny, when I originally took up running I figured that it was going to be a quick and efficient way to get a workout in. I was tired of spending an hour in the gym every day, the injuries from lifting and sports were starting to add up, and it was just getting boring. Sure there are options like Crossfit (yuck) or other HIIT type classes but those are neither cost efficient nor time saving. They do get results though gotta give credit where it is due. Point is, I figured I would run, it would take 30 or so minutes, and I would get cut up. In typical obsessive fashion it now consumes my life and is probably the number one thing I spend my time on that doesn’t involve work or reading.

What does this have to do with the race? NOTHING. But I did run it. Previously I have mentioned how I have been working on increasing my mileage, I don’t know if I set a hard goal but I eventually want to work up to 40-45 miles a week by the time the TCS New York City Marathon comes around early November. This training has kind of been the driving action of me starting my first audiobook, hence the Eye of the World Audiobook Update series. Right now I have been running 36 miles a week consistently for the last 3-4? weeks. It hasn’t been too difficult, the hardest parts have been when the training plan calls for different kinds of runs such as tempo runs, fartlek’s, and intervals. I honestly have had no experience with these kinds of running, wayyyyy back when I was playing meaningful sports I just did sprints and shit. It has been an interesting experience, I think I have gotten used to arranging my schedule to allow the time to run the necessary mileage as well as planning the extra runs to work around the training plan. My body has held up well, just seem to be in a state of constant soreness. Yoga has been really helpful for keeping me sort of loose. Not sure what I am going to have to do to get up to 40 though, just haven’t really felt capable at this point as I have been balancing different races.

Back to the race. I had never ran this race before, can’t say I was jumping out the gym excited for it. This isn’t the fault of the race, I just don’t feel like going to Brooklyn from Hoboken. That’s on me, I signed up for a race called the Brooklyn Half Marathon, can’t get mad when that takes place in Brooklyn. I was extremely happy that the race was on Saturday though, I can’t express enough how much better this is. Probably a good idea to throw the actual date of the event in this blog, it was Saturday May 18th. There was a pre-race party for the packet pick-up in Dumbo, which is an absolutely gorgeous area. I thought that it was going to be a pain in the ass to get too, but that was based on my own experience of interning at Melville House Publishing last year, when I had to drive from Glen Cove to get there. Turns out, subways from Manhattan get you there way quicker. WHO KNEW!

The race starts in Prospect Park. I am sure the image I am going to use for this blog is going to be blurry so maybe I will attempt to add a map here. As an aside, I realllllly need to learn how to get the header images to work correctly, it looks terrible. Having never been to Prospect Park before, I had zero expectations. My wave was supposed to start at 7, so we got there around 6:30. Everything was well organized, bag check was right next to where we were supposed to enter the corral, always love that. The bathroom situation is a nightmare, the porta potties are only in the corral waiting area and the lines were ridiculous, it took 25 minutes to use one and by then the race had already kind of started.

What is there to say about the race course itself. It was an absolutely awesome course and it was an absolutely gorgeous day. Honestly my favorite half marathon course to date. The first half of the half (haha) was all in the park, I was worried the roads were going to be over crowded but they were not at all. All the hills were in the park portion of the race, and they were not too steep or long. Still felt more downhill than uphill. Eventually you get out of the park and the last 6-7 miles are on some highway, but it’s all the lanes so there is a lot of space. NYRR does a really great job with the water/Gatorade stations, I believe there was one at every mile along with a clock to play mental math with. At about the halfway mark there was some bee goo things that tasted pretty solid. I will say that it’s tough with all the packets not to step on one and get that stuff all over your sneakers. Had sticky sneakers for a while until I ran through a sprinkler.

The end of the race is in Coney Island. Lots of excitement and people around, which is always encouraging. The finish line was on the boardwalk, it was a little tight getting up the ramp to get on, but overall a minor complaint. The post-race festivities were like a beer festival in whatever stadium that is, cool enough. The post race bag had some pretzels, a Gatorade, water bottle, and some delicious bar. The lack of name-brands are not due to my no free ads policy, I just legit don’t remember.

If for some odd reason you stuck it out until the end, the goal for this race was to help Nathalie run under a 2 hour half. She has been working crazy hard and it paid off. We finished in 1:58:15. Couldn’t be more happy or proud.

That wraps up my first race review. Can’t tell if this was fun to write or not. It certainly isn’t fun to read or edit. No final notes on this one. Hopefully I can find a way to make these funny. If you did wind up reading this whole thing, here is a pic of me, no idea how Nat didn’t make it into this picture, which sucks because she is the way more attractive half of the couple.