Book Reviews

Never Die! Wrap-up: Never boring!

Here we go, after falling behind on book reviews it’s time to get back on the grind. Balancing this with creating the greatest fantasy podcast of all time has proven to be quite the challenge. Because of this, the blog has suffered. But I will tell you what has not suffered, the podcast. Find out for yourself by clicking the link below.

LINK TO PODCAST. LINK TO HAPPINESS.

On this episode we dissect #SPFBO finalist Rob J. Hayes’ Never Die! We also talk about our favorite sobriquet’s in the book, learn what a sobriquet is, break down his social media, give some thoughts on MayDaycon, talk The Last Dance episode’s 7 and 8, and gambling woe’s with the latest UFC fight! Approved by the author himself.

Rob J. Hayes is a writing machine, I think since he published the book last year he has published like 3 other books. He’s a self-publishing machine, and let me tell you he know’s how to write a compelling story. Never Die! (The Mortal Techniques) reads like that game Diablo 3. It is essentially a tale of revenge featuring people who utilize spirit like fucking Dragon Ball Z to do cool ass shit and kill lots of bad guys. It starts with one of my prologues ever, someone dead once said brevity is the soul of wit or some shit and Rob J. Hayes proves it with this 14 word masterpiece:

“Itami Cho woke to the screams of her own death. She remembered it all.”

I was in from that point on. His samurai, spirit, demon thriller follows a group of heroes brought back from the dead to kill the emperor of 10 kingdoms, as that dude is a bad guy. They follow this little annoying kid Ein, and are bound to him until they kill the emperor.

There are many reasons to love this thing, but one of the highlights for me were all the cool ass moves. Here is a list, since I am lazy and had already made the list for the podcast outline.

He taught the people of Unyun his second greatest technique, the Shimmering Sword.” Aka the whispering blade. THIS IS ALSO In SWORD OF KAIGEN. It is a blade that can cut through anything.
“He had a technique, one he refused to share with anyone. He could rain a hundred swords from the sky. Maybe he used that.”
“How do you disappear, leaving a mirage of yourself to blow away like petals on the wind?” Zhihao shook his head. “I’m not telling you that. It’s a trade secret.”
Flaming fist lights his fists on fire using chains dripped in oil. His special ability is it does not burn
Iron guts ability is he uses QI to make his skin harder then steel
Magic is called “Qi is spirit,” he squeaked. “We all have it, but some have more than others.” He slapped his belly again. “My qi is strong, and I know how to channel it. Now then…”
The art of war brings chess pieces to life

The chapter titles all describe a specific fight, which the chapter sets up and has play out. As someone obsessed with the idea of the duel, this appealed to me immensely. My favorite is right at the end, The Master of Sun Valley vs Sin and Saint. Such a fun fucking read.

Besides all these 1v1’s bringing on the classic bro adage, 1v1 me bro, they also fight a dragon consisting of a million snakes, some reanimated crab things, and a giant. Look, this book is ultimate chad. That really should be more then enough, but since I already have it written out here are a list of sobriquets, a word I only learned to use in the podcast.

Flaming fist

Red Bull of Fades,

Qing, often called Hundred Cuts

Murai, the Century Blade, the greatest living swordsman in all Hosa.

Fenwong, the drunkard.

Wandering Spear, one of Flaming Fist’s greatest captains

Cho is whispering blade

Zhihao Chang the Emerald Wind

General Sitting tiger
Seifon, the Broken Chain.
“Chen Lu, Iron Gut.”
Yanmei, the Last Bloom of Summer. Flaming fists daughter, the emrald winds lover
Roi Astara, deaths echo

The Steel Prince,

“The Art of War Daiyu Lingsen.” Is a girl wearing a mask

Broken Spear

Sin and Saint, both Wu’s bodyguards

Man I am getting lazier and lazier, but people do like lists

Book Reviews

Iron and Magic Wrap-up: Ironically a magical surprise

There really is no irony there but you can’t be serve a word like “iron” to me and not expect me to make some terrible joke. The book is written by the dream team of Gordon and Illona under the pseudo name Ilona Andrews. They seem to have had a decent amount of success, I mean they are a New York Times Bestselling Author(s?) so they got that going for them. When I picked this book for the podcast, my intention was to pick this super sappy fantasy romance novel as the guest for this book is my sister and I figured I would just trash how corny is was the whole time and get that CONTENT popping off but that was not what happened.

Speaking of the podcast, did you bring that up or did I? Regardless, on this weeks episode I have special guest Jenna. We go over Iron and Magic, read uncomfortable love-making scenes, quickly fly through the sports, do a social media glow-up for the author(s) amongst other wonderful hijinks. Click here and your wish for everlasting life will not come true, but you will get to be entertained for a while maybe.

Iron and Magic is the first book in the Iron Covenant series, and while I think the characters in the book feature in the Kate Daniels series, I really don’t know nor intend to find out. If I had to break the story down, it goes a little like this. This man hunk super guy with magic powers was once the warlord of this demi-god named Roland until he got himself excommunicated for trying to fuck the guys daughter or something. This is not the boring ass gunslinger Roland from The Miserable Tower but a different guy who is trying to take over the world by equal parts violence and buying real estate.

Roland wants to kill Hugh, and Hugh wants to drink himself to death, but his former elite fighting force called the Iron Dogs don’t want to be killed by Roland so they convince Hugh to live a little bit. They eventually come up with this plan to get hired as glorified body guards by this chick Elara who is the head witch of this hybrid magic coven/grow-op. Elara and her gang of lawyer warlocks is getting pressured by this dude Nez, a vampire controller and prospective real estate agent to sell their land, and they don’t want to.

So instead of just forming an alliance, Hugh and Elara decide to get married. This provides the real romantic love story, as the two immediately despise each other, despite wanting to bang. Through the power of team work and overcoming adversity, they eventually do bang. Their will they, wont they thing coupled with the witty zingers they sling at each other is reminiscent of a rom-com. In all honesty it is pretty funny.

This eventually works out to a final battle where they emerge victorious. Throughout the book though, there is an interesting magic system where their are seemingly random intervals where either magic or technology works. So we get this kind of post-apocalyptic world that has guns, cars, and electricity but since that stuff only works half the time, they also need to use swords and magic. I actually found this a really enjoyable way to get the medieval fantasy aspect to mesh with modern technology. Also a solid plot device to be able to switch from magic to technology or vice-versa when it served the story. There are also a billion magical creatures, mostly vampires that are controlled remotely like attack drones. A three headed elephant-god shows up as well.

The real question on everyone’s minds at this juncture is the rating. Is this book chad? I mean Hugh is the textbook definition of a Chad on the outside, but is actually a little soft bitch on the inside. Elara is pretty whiny and uses the word “uh” a lot like a white girl that can’t even. So I am going to leave this right in the middle.

Book Reviews

Half a King Wrap-up: A lesson in negotiating

With a subtitle fit for the art of the deal I am pleased to bring you a review of Half a King by Joe Abercrombie and Fitch. While it is widely acknowledged by no one that I am a prodigy in the over-saturated written book review game, if you would like to hear a truly stellar breakdown of this book in a different format I would like to announce that the third episode of the Swords and Sports podcast is up and ready for your listening pleasure. This week I have a guest so if you hate me you will hate him even more. Don’t be a bitch, give it a listen and give me your raw opinion until my comments section gets pregnant.

https://swordsandsports.podbean.com

Shameless plug aside, my mistake upon partaking in this book was that I failed to realize that it was actually meant as a Young Adult book so right off the bat I was confused as fuck. This was supposed to be a novel from a prominent grimdark author that was going to shock and tantalize my sense with scenes of graphic violence coupled with gritty personas but instead I read a classic orphan king revenge tale that would have entertained me when I was, well, 12. Which happens to be the audience for this.

Georgey is clearly lying.

The story is about the one-handed prince named Yarvi who gets placed on the throne (I had originally spelled this “thrown” which is funny because he gets thrown off a tower) when his dad and brother get clipped. He is king for possibly a week when he unceremoniously gets betrayed by his uncle. Yarvi is by all accounts the most unfit person to be king of a viking esque kingdom because he is a little depressed, cry baby bitch. And that is putting it lightly. The guy is a born whiner.

Look at that little cry-baby loser. To be honest I am just saying that because it fits my narrative but if we are all in the trust tree that armor is badass.

He already decided to become a knock-off Maester which in this book is called a Minister but as a king he does a terrible job and winds up as a slave, ending up as a rower. Which for a one-handed dude is quite a pickle. After a quick literary montage he becomes this wise, hardned teenager and with the help of his friends, which happens to include an uncle that fails to announce that he is his fucking uncle they eventually get revenge.

You may question why I rushed through that, the answer is that from the second you start this book you can pretty much see the ending. The First Law Trilogy has arguably one of the greatest twists that I have ever experienced in fantasy, but as I mentioned this is a YA book so it basically hit a formula and filled in the details. I will point out some highlights. The character Nothing is pretty cool. Hating on Yarvi is also a ton of fun. He is the worst negotiator of all time, which is ironic because his mom is some kind of money wunderkind. He essentially trades his entire kingdom to some other viking king for like a 30 minute distraction, then when it comes time to pay up completely reneges on the deal. He also is trapped in a snow bank with a girl he likes and completely fails at closing the deal.

Because of all this the rating is obvious. This book is as virgin as it gets. Your judgement has come to pass. Also listen to the podcast.

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Here we go…

Similar to a young, ignorant Rand al’Thor finding out he is the dragon reborn, or an equally young Kevin Durant getting selected with the number two pick (shout out your boys Logain and Greg, the greatest busts of all time), it is time for me to embark on a new journey. Where we are going only time will tell. The original concept of this blog is to combine the type of fantasy discussions found only in the deepest, darkest pits of Reddit and wiki’s with the over-saturated market of sports talk by suburban white guys. Whether that is a concept that will work remains to be seen. But shit if JR Smith can win a championship and all-time loser Frodo can destroy a ring, maybe it can happen. Initially the plan is to test a few different ideas and see if I can stick with them. Also as I am planning on doing zero promotion until I get some content up, this is mostly just a pep talk to myself.