Mat's Money Makers

Matrim’s Money Makers: Thursday night bonus

To set the stage

The Game:

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-1, 0-0 Away) vs. Carolina Panthers (0-1, 0-1 Home)

Date: Thursday, Sept. 12, 2019

Time: 8:20 p.m. EST

Venue: Bank of America Stadium – Charlotte, NC

The Bet:

Spread: TB: +7 (-120) | CAR: -7 (+100)

My Guaranteed Winner:

CAR: -7 (+100)

I am off to a hottttt start this football season. After last week’s incredible prediction that was thwarted by a man who can’t even chug a beer in what is widely being considered the biggest fluke in gambling history, I am back on the horse. I was not stagnant during the weekend, I won a gimmie pick on the Patriots game. Of course I did no write up for it because I never share my true winners with anyone. I am starting to consider the fact that I might be cursing these teams.

That being said, HAMMER the Panthers. They looked solid last week against the Rams minus the collapse and I think this season they are going to get the ball rolling again. Cam seems to be somewhat healthy, the Panthers are always a tough team and I can not stress this enough, the Bucs fucking suck.

More importantly then all of this I want to talk about how fucking bad these Thursday Night Football commercials are. The premise of the commercial is so stupid, these two fans are talking shit not too each other, well kind off, but to the other team. This guy Jim/Bob/standard white guy is talking about how the Panthers can’t handle the Bucs while wearing this ridiculous Hawaiian shirt. Everyone can handle the Bucs. Then this frumpy ass gross looking lady in front of this massive grill is going on about “Super Cam” and how he won’t be bothered by Tampa. We know, no one has been bothered by Tampa in the history of sports. Except I guess that Super Bowl. Shut the hell up both of you. Shit talking should be visceral, you should be talking about how the Panthers suck because your husband cheated on you with your best friend and now has two families. Let’s run through a much better example.

White Guy:

Get ready you inbred cousin fuckers Tampa is going to molest you like you are driving an Uber that Jameis is in.

White Girl:

Tampa is poor man’s Miami. Big Willie wasn’t singing about “Down to Tampa where the crystal meth is on”

Listen that is not great either but at least it is a launch point for a better commercial. Regardless, the Bucs are god damn terrrrrrible. They are coming off an atrocity, they are playing on the road, and Bruce Arians is lost out there. Panthers easy.

“You could put a man’s eye out with that thing, and normally I wouldn’t mind, but I’m running short on eyes these days.”

Mat's Money Makers

Matrim’s Money Makers: NFL Season Opener Edition

That is supposed to be Locke Lamora

To set the stage

The Game:

Green Bay Packers (0-0, 0-0 Away) vs. Chicago Bears (0-0, 0-0 Home)

Date: Thursday, Sept. 5, 2019

Time: 8:20 p.m. EST

Venue: Soldier Field – Chicago, IL

The Bet:

Spread: GB: +3 (+100) | CHI: -3 (-120)

My Guaranteed Winner:

CHI: -3 (-120)

FOOTBALL is back! Which means the return of the easiest way to make (lose) money this fall! Behind on your credit card payments? Bet (don’t) with me. Need Roman swipes (sponsor me please) because your girl is complaining that you are a two pump chump? Bet with me! Tired of running out of cocaine in the pre-game? Bet with me and stay bumping lines until 5 minutes into the game like a god damn champion/drug addict. Ride the gravy train straight into some KFC biscuits. Get yourself back to a zero balance, get your dick numb, work on deviating that septum, all things are possible when you follow the advice of a man who titles his gambling blogs after a fictional gambler from a fantasy series.

On another note that isn’t hardo gambling guy/blatant rip-off of The Wolf of Wall Street this new way of setting the scene with the formatting is much better. Thanks FanDuel blog thing!

Okay so now that the scene is set lets get into the meat of it. The Packers are coming off of one of those nightmare seasons. 6-9-1 with McCarthy’s fat ass getting the boot after 12 games. Rodgers continuing to be Mr. Glass and going down for the year. The kind of stuff that gets the boys down. So naturally they brought in a whole new coaching staff.  They have no notables in the receiver/running back game. Normally that wouldn’t matter, Rodgers is honestly that fucking good. He also rippppped the Bears heart out last year. But they have a new head coach in Matty LaFleur and I think it’s safe to say that the first game of the season with an entirely new coaching staff, playing on the road, and playing a great Bears team is a recipe for disaster.

The Bears are a lot of peoples pick for coming out of the NFC. Whether that happens or not remains to be seen. Obviously they got massacred by the Double-Doink but they are a young, hungry squad ready to tear it up. Easy choice.

None of this is new information. I am not reinventing the wheel with this stuff. The point I am trying to make is stats and shit are dumb. This is an obvious feeling bet. Also Aaron Rodgers can’t chug a beer. That has to haunt a man. At least for a week. Please?

“The innocent died along with the guilty. And if you did nothing, then only the innocent died.”

-Mat Cauthon